The thoughts of one who knew more than she let out

Dramatic Life

2011-05-18T21:53:00.002+08:00

I thought I might never continue this blog, but hey, here I am writing again. Life has a funny way of making it difficult, confusing, but ultimately looping back to where you started.

I thought about writing again for a long time... and it was always put on hold. One excuse lead to another and so on and so forth. I claim to be too lazy too type, too scared to share, too busy to care, but in the end, I'm just making excuses because I was afraid to be like a lot of other bloggers out there who blogged for fame or for money. There are some bloggers who do it for fun, with benefits a plus, and I kinda want to be like them. To talk about your passions, to discuss issues, to recommend the latest products, to do reviews, to be viewed as an authority in your chosen passion. I can't say I'll ever be like that, or I'll start blogging as often as I can. I'm still pretty much a work in progress in that department. I guess I share stuff better when I talk rather than I type. Must be because when its verbal, it usually end up being lost to the wind when the memories of those who heard my words forget about it, while thoughts blogged regularly will pretty much remain online for all eternity (unless Google's server crashed in the far off future).

To share what have been happening in my life would be quite long. As much as I liked to claim that my life is boring, that's hardly the case as it is full of too much drama that rivals even that of the TV dramas that are pretty much part of primetime entertainment. With that, I'll start slow, re-introduce myself to the process of blogging and maybe, just maybe, I'll find the part of me that had long since been forgotten.

Is the Separation of Church No Longer Applicable?

2010-10-01T08:18:00.002+08:00

At least that what they seem to want you to think. The Catholic Bishop Conference of the Philippines or the CBCP isn't exactly acting like a church when they try to prevent the state from implementing laws that goes against their beliefs. Think about it, the CBCP is not the only religious representative of the Philippines, regardless of the fact that the Philippines is composed of majorly Catholics, but they sure act at times all powerful.

The Church was supposed to act as a guide, but only to their constituents. They can influence, but never dictate. And yet, sadly, it seemed that some of them might not be too holy as we thought as they are also given life to the idea of Church-type blackmail in the form of the threat of excommunication.

What is excommunication?

According to wikipedia - Excommunication is a religious censure used to deprive or suspend membership in a religious community. The word means putting [someone] out of communion.

But seriously, does it have the same impact now than it does then? With religions sprouting up left and right, claiming to be better than their predecessors, excommunication kinda loses its impact. People nowadays are much learned, they know their rights, and they certainly don't rely as much on the church as they did during the Spanish era - clear reference to the "Damaso" incident yesterday.

So what is it about the RH bill that the church feel threatened about? The idea of providing people with more options? Sex education? Artificial contraceptives? They may seem totally against the church's belief, but is it against moral beliefs? If we want to curb the incessant increase in population growth, we have to consider making all legal forms of contraception possible. Unfortunately, that includes artificial contraceptives - sorry religious groups. It has to be done, because its the legal right of the person's involve.

The church can influence their constituents to choose natural forms of contraceptives, but it will be unfair if they start condemning their constituents that actually avail of artificial forms. No forms of contraceptives is a 100%, but to limit one's choices because of religion is cruel because people who are less fortunate don't have access to sex education unlike others, and sometimes, the easiest way to prevent their family planning to go haywire is something simple, that doesn't require much thought to use. Can we be that cruel to stamp on someone's right to legal forms of contraceptives all because of religion?

Religion is not the state, and yet, it tries to be the state on this issue. And if they continue as they are now, aren't they the same as the Padre Damaso's of the past.

Glee 2 Audition

2010-09-23T10:18:00.000+08:00

What makes a show phenomenal in my eyes? I guess it's more than just the storyline, the celebrities and their overall marketing impact - it always boils down to its social relevance.

I'm not a frequent blogger, and I rarely managed to finish a blog post. But there's something about the air today that makes me want to write.

The underlying theme that literally stands out on the first episode of Glee season 2 is the different types of bullying.

Rachel bullying Sunshine because she felt threatened.
Will bullying Beiste because he viewed Beiste as the cause of the Glee Club's lack of funds.
Beiste bullying Finn in reaction to her feelings of inadequacy, and the deep-seated insecurity of a woman tackling a man's world.
Sue... she bullies everybody so I guess there's not much to say about her.
Santana bullying Quinn because she needs to vent out her frustration for losing the position of head cheerleader to Quinn all because she was insecure with her body and gotten herself a boob job

And of course, at the end of the show, they wrapped it up by showing a number of consequences certain actions impacted upon.

Sunshine being pirated away by Vocal Adrenaline because she doesn't feel secure with Rachel around.
Sam seeing the possibility of getting kicked off the football team like Finn if he joined the Glee Club.
Will understanding that he was doing to Beiste almost exactly what had been done to him and apologizing, therefore invoking Sue's wrath

Maybe I'll continue posting my thoughts once again, or maybe this will be one of those once in a blue moon kind of thing. Anyway, only time will tell.

To Continue or Not

2009-10-12T13:26:00.002+08:00

Okay. Maybe blogging isn't really for me, but I do plan to try something else this time around. I'll keep this one, just for the sake I still have a personal blog, but I think I'll try my hand at writing a blog that's so not about me and my personal life. Who knows, I might actually be pretty good at what I want to try.

Payment Proof - Neobux

2009-08-25T14:58:00.002+08:00

PTCs

2009-08-15T10:21:00.007+08:00

UPDATE: Now including Payment Proofs!

Basically, PTC stands for Pay to Click. There are many sites in the web that pays you for spending about 5 - 60 seconds per site. I'm affiliated with a number of them, ranging from 0.0025 USD to 10 USD per click.

The first thing you need to do is register for a Paypal and/or AlertPay account. Easy and free. Although I rather go for Paypal exclusive.

Just click on the banner to be transported to the page of Neobux. A lot of people says that its the best site for beginners. As a free member, you only have 4 ads to click a day @ 0.01 USD. Once you've earned 2.00 USD, you can withdraw this to your Paypal or AlertPay account. Of course, you get paid more if you upgrade to gold. Which, not really advisable unless you've already earned, and just simply wants to earn more. Once logged in, simply click on the view advertisment. You will then be directed to a page that shows a list. Click each ad one at a time. The ad will be in a pop-up. On top of each ad is a counter, this differ from site to site, but for Neobux, it is simply a bar. Once the advertisement has been accounted, you can click on the next ad, and so on and so forth.

In summary:
PTC = USD 0.01
Payout = USD 2.00
Account = AlertPay or Paypal
Upgrade = Golden membership
requirement:
* Have clicked at least 50 ads
* Have at least rented referrals twice
* Have been a registered user for at least 15 days

FJPTC

This is a relatively new site, therefore, has one of the cheapest premium membership around @ USD 2.00 (In other words, this is my only premium account - It's less than Php 100). Minimum of 4 ads per day for free members and the price varies for each from 0.0025 USD to 0.01 USD. Pay-out is @ USD 1.25. For this type of ads, there will be a countdown for each ad, afterwards, it will ask you to click the number that appears. There will be 4 numbers to choose from. This, I believe, is a system a number of PTCs adopted to avoid the occurence of auto-click scripts. But as previously mentioned, one ad @ a time.

In summary:
PTC = USD 0.0025 - 0.01
Payout = USD 1.25 (for premium, I bet higher for not :p)
Account = AlertPay and/or Paypal
Upgrade = Premium
requirement: Lifetime premium membership @ USD 2.00

Payment proofs:
First Payment:

Second Payment:

There! Hehehe! Of course, getting referrals help you earn faster. Once registered, you're going to have your own referral code. And if you registered without any referral, you will be assigned one. You can check out more about the upgrades once you've registered as well.

Ted Failon Fiasco

2009-04-18T08:46:00.003+08:00

Okay, so maybe this isn't exactly a promising post but there are way too many camps pointing fingers that I can't help but have my own ideas on the following scenarios. So, bear with me if you will, not that I expect anyone to visit and read after my erratic activities in this blog.

First of, the wife was acting before the incident is a clear indication that she's suffering from a lot of stress, and becoming suicidal can be a by-product of the stress. I would also like to point out the fact that she has a witness when she wrote the note, her sister Pam in fact. As for calls, the housemaids are aware of that since they were the ones who answered the phone on occasion. As for the gun shot, even the police admitted that the gun used emits only a small sound, and it being shot inside a locked bathroom no less would cause the small sound to be muffled.

The second thing we should all take notice of is Ted Failon's reaction. It is normal for someone to go into a state of shock, and at times feel disconnected and disoriented. He acted at what he saw to be the immediate concern. That was taking his still breathing wife to the hospital as soon as possible. Nobody can fault him for dealing with his bleeding and dying wife first, and returning for his youngest daughter at a later time. His refusal to let the investigators inside the master's bedroom, whereas they were allowed to view the crime scene can also be understood as reluctance to let the public in on his private the domain, being a private person despite his media job that puts him in the public's eye. The fact that he returned to his home aka scene of the crime, after ensuring that his wife is being taken care of, and there is nothing left for him to do except wait, is also a natural behavior. Having assured himself that his wife is in the best hands, he went back to be with his daughter who had witnessed the blood-drenched body of her mother. As for the heart to heart talk that allegedly happen in the master's bedroom at the arrival of his eldest daughter, it can be chalked up as the news anchorman needing the privacy of his room to let his grief spilt through within the comfort of his daughter.

Third, allegations of cleaning the scene of crime of blood, though should be frowned upon at best, it should not come as a surprise as it is the house help's job to clean. And the act was further hastened by the presence of a minor, no less than the youngest daughter at the scene of the crime. As for refusing to talk, was it not within the rights of the people to remain silent? Not to mention that it is always advisable to have a legal counsel present at any such given time.

Fourth, charging everyone with obstruction of justice is not a valid reason to manhandle people! Seriously, it would seem that they are using the alleged charge to boss people around and further sensationalize a death that is tragic and should be given its due respect. What the police had done was basically a violation of the rights of the people involved since they are allowed to invite people down to the station, not manhandle and force them to go. Again, using tactics such as bluffing accusations to the sister of the victim at the time wherein she is under shock is so inhumane. I know its their job to investigate, but unless the suspect is indeed the criminal, forcing words into their mouth would not result in something good, or in this case, a huge human rights violation. A true criminal would be very calculated in its reply and reactions, and based on accounts and TV coverage, Pam is anything but the victim's sister. Same to Ted Failon.

Fifth, alleged blood stains in other rooms aside from the scene of the crime could actually happen because of people whose hands got drenched in the blood while they are making a rescue effort for the victim. There are a lot of possibilities, but the police seems to be more intent on pining the blame on someone, and it seemed pretty clear to a lot of people who they want to blame. Its not rocket science that Ted is a very outspoken man about his beliefs and his denunciation of the way police handle themselves.

Sixth, Ted didn't touch the gun first after it was shot. The house boy did. He placed it on the couple's dresser when they cleaned up the bathroom, and it was there that Ted got it to hand over to the police. And next thing you'd know, they're going to reiterate he handed it to them sans any protective cloth to avoid fingerprint contamination. Dude, he's not an impartial expectator here, he's the victim's husband! Get a clue! Besides, the gun was licensed and owned by the family, and its not like its their habit to clean the gun on a regular basis prior to safekeeping, so duh, the gun will have fingerprints of both Ted, his wife, and whoever sold them the gun, plus, the houseboy who picked it up when he cleaned the bathroom.

I think I exhausted my train of thought for the moment. But if I thought of anything more to add, I'll make it a point to log-in and post in the future.

Ramblings

2008-08-18T21:48:00.003+08:00

Somebody told me today that I have a lot of guilt and anger in me... and I know for a fact he's right... so he suggested I write down everything I feel...

So here goes nothing....

I feel under appreciated... not because I think too highly of myself, but because I am asked to do a lot of things with hardly any compensation... I am tired to say the least, tired of being the bigger person, of continuing to discipline myself, to be the perfect everything... to be the selfless woman of the world, to be the nurturer, the one to wish for a reality that cannot happen... I am tired of being helpless, of feeling guilt and anger of being helpless, of not being given the choice that is my right... of the external factors that are out my control... I am simply one who wants to make a difference in the world for the benefit of humanity... and I am tired of always being responsible...

and yet, despite this tiredness that settled unto me, I am unable to walk away... I am strong believer of order, and I am too much an idealist to let things simply as they are... true, I cannot save a soul... I am not the Lord... but I wish somehow I can save even one... cause I still believe that we are all in this Earth for a reason, and that's to help others...

I am torn with doing my social duty, and being selfish... I am unable to give up the former, in favor of the latter... maybe I am simply scared to know who is the girl inside me when all inhibitions are gone?

Words 2

2008-03-02T22:17:00.003+08:00

There are days like these that makes me realize I am doing something good in my life, that in some way, I had managed to share the things I've learned and inspire others to be better individuals. The feeling that having people appreciate you for who you are is far more overwhelming than being honored for an academic achievement, since what you were able to accomplish is not something seen and read, but something that had become the source of change and improvement in the outlook, if not the quality, of someone's life. I guess a part of me always dreamed of being an inspiration to others, a role model if possible, not because I think I'm perfect, or anything close to that, but rather that there's so much I can and willing to share, and its all up to you to figure out if I make sense or not. After all, I do tend to be defiant and definitely a nonconformist, preferring to just do what I feel is right. :P

Words

2008-02-04T22:52:00.000+08:00

There are times I wonder how is it that our mind is troubled still when we had already made a choice some time in the past. Are we meant to forever eat our words and grope around for a new way to incorporate the events that plowed right through us? If that is so, then I am at a lost for the moment.

I had tread around and made my choice, and yet, it now feels that I have spoken too soon, made my decision at a time when I am in a state of mind, for now I am face with conflict that I had not foreseen. I do not lead a planned life, however at most circumstances, I am able to be decisive.

But what had changed within me? How come I find myself at a loss to explain this feeling of uncertainty? How is it that I am unable to determine which road to take when it was clear to me awhile back? Was it the situation I find myself in? Was it the war between fear of the unknown and the adventurous desire to seek out new experiences?

I am horribly and dreadfully lost, and I can only hope that I will make the right choice when the time is ripe.

A sweet bday gift

2008-01-15T23:47:00.001+08:00

This must be one of the sweetest gifts I received to date.

Ryan gave me this on my bday, well, technically, a few days late, but truly appreciated. ^^

Eventful 2008

2008-01-15T21:05:00.000+08:00

2008 is proving to be a complicated year indeed. The first has yet to end and I've been getting surprises left and right. I really have no clear idea what I should do. Okay... I actually do know what to do when it comes to work. And of course, that's something that's pretty much routinely unpredictable with the number of brands under the company's umbrella, not to mention all their advertising needs.

What I meant was when it comes to my personal life. It had, in a totally unexpected way, started to turn into a roller coaster ride all of a sudden. And no, I don't believe turning 23 had anything to do with it, since the unexpected things happened a few days before that. Things just gotten a bit more complicated after my birthday.

I'll try as much as possible to share the following events, but I pray, I have to bit more vague than usual.

Two persons from my past surfaced one after another. The first leaving me uncertain, apprehensive, and at the same time very curious. The second offering me an excuse to think about stuffs I kept banishing to the back of my head. He keeps me second-guessing and rethinking over situations I would have answered flat-out if I'm in denial of what I feel.

And then there is one other person who seems to express interest in me, although I can't say if I'm up to thinking about relationships seriously at the moment.

However, there is another person who makes everything simple. With him, I can basically enjoy the friendship without fear that he expects it to evolve into something else.

These events are really unexpected especially when I realized I'm commitment-phobic. I guess discovering that proved to be a catalyst to troublesome events as I seem to be experiencing more boy trouble than ever.

I sort of came to a decision today. I think I should at least try to unravel the situation I find myself in before things get more tangled up than they already are. It's time for some answers and a time for honesty. I just don't know what the outcomes gonna be, but at least its a step forward.

Hidden Name Meanings... hmmm

2008-01-13T22:28:00.000+08:00

What Jennifer Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.
You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.
Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Harsh Reality or Rude Awakening

2007-12-09T13:21:00.000+08:00

You decide... Cause I just don't want to think too much into it, or maybe I just don't want to accept what it actually felt like to me.

Is being nice worth it at all? Frankly, I'm disheartened at all to believe it at the moment. But I think after this angst-y moment, I'd probably trying my best to stay nice and hope people will see the sincerity in that.

Right now, I just felt used. I don't want to feel like that, nor do I want to believe that, but if I stick to hard cold facts, it will show that I had been cleverly played. I wonder what I had done to deserve this? I don't recall doing anything that would warrant such an action, or maybe I'm just too gullible, wanting to believe in the goodness that everyone possessed. I don't know...

I realized there's a lot of things I don't know, and I don't hide the fact that there's a lot of things I need to know. It just feels really hurtful when they take advantage of your blind spots for their own good. And take advantage of the kindness you had shown them. There are times I felt so old, and times I'm still a child who could just dismiss something like this so easily, that with just a few moments will express displeasure, and then later be playing alongside together like nothing happened. Its easily dismissed if it had only occurred once, but twice? Its time I should realize the friends I think I found are not really friends, just people realizing your potential as a highly profitable person to hook up with and take advantage of. Harsh? Maybe. But the reality it represents... a proliferation of friend-users.

It's funny in a bizarre way when you think about it. I should have been pretty adept at weeding out those people having gone through those people in my life. Makes you wonder how many I'll go through that time in this lifetime...

I never wanted to feel cut-off from the world like I did before, but I felt I don't have much choice when the world shows its ugly side and I'm pretty much left to my own devices.

The Story, The Deal, The Pain, and The Pride

2007-08-05T16:49:00.000+08:00

As far as I can recall, I've always been an accident-prone person. And because of that fact, I'd been known to humiliate myself, and possess a long list of embarassing moments.

In fact, this is, above all, one of the reasons I never truly had what you would call an ideal childhood. A freak accident in third grade had caused the turning point in my life. It was then that I experienced being constantly bullied. It sounds surprising for those who had recently met me, but to those who had grown up with me all those years ago, its as real as the name of our school.

What can you expect from a girl of nine to do at that time? Most likely, that girl would probably begged her parents to transfer her to a different school, keep to herself, avoid picking fights, find another hobby, and try to figure out who she can rely on as a friend. And you know what, she did all that, and the only thing she was actually successful at, was finding another hobby: immersing herself in books.

It was at this stage of her life she detached herself slowly from the people around her, placing her friends under various tests to feel confident that these people have her back, and cringing inwardly when she realized her trust was misplaced. It were dark times in the life of someone who had been a cheerful person to begin with. The ever-ready smile was replaced with looks of suspicions, recess times were reserved for reading books and doing homeworks, lunch, a welcome reprieve from the otherwise tolerant treatment of her presence. She felt for the first time how lonely it was, and how cruel the world is.

With limited options, she kept to herself, a child of forced seclusion, hardly daring to even speak up or volunteer any information she knew. She was made a fool many times over, even by those she had considered friends. She didn't belong anywhere and it was this feeling that had her hanging out with various groups of people, trying to find a niche where she would fit in.

The case would seem a hopeless one at that and it wasn't until later she realized what made her move on, to keep on looking. It was an idealism that she had found in the comfort of her books that talks about a friendship that goes far deeper than giving out answers in a whisper to a so-called friend sitting next to you during an exam. It was a friendship that accepts and love unconditionally. A bonding that comes along to those who keep as much faith in you as you with them. It was fortunate that she found them at end of her elementary years, but it was still too early to let the real person shine through. She had been scarred too many times over to want to let down her guard to the group that had included her as their own.

She came to them meek, keeping to shallow topics, listening but hardly offering any advice, a wallflower at most. But it was also at this time she started to write. Anything that came to mind, a tribute to a friendship she felt blessed to have stumbled in, a song to put into words a childhood crush, a poem about the various uses of a new set of colored pens... a collection that she would show sparingly, due to fear of expected rejection, and worse, a humiliation she would not be able to lived down. Whatever pride must be placed in a work of art could not be found for there was none to encourage a bolder show of a creativity previously unassociated with her.

As luck would have it, she was praised by someone who didn't expect anything from her. They embraced her gift for words and in turn encourage her to write more, to be open to new people. It took more than a year to share parts of herself, to slowly give her trust to hands waiting to accept it wholeheartedly and kept it sacred for all the years to follow.

With strength brought about by these select few, she had started to spread her wings, exploring more what she can do. For once in her life, she found people who would show and prove to her that ideal friendships do exist in this world riddled with the need to appear more than they are, to step on those who they think were not up to their level.

The years to follow was a revelation of the person she herself had not known exist within her. A person of quiet strenght, capable of withstanding the misgivings and embarassment accompanying an accident-prone person, an optimism she had not known she possessed, contentment and a desire to share the feelings she had been priviledged to feel to others.

And now, she stand before you now, as real as any person who had come to terms with who they are and what they are, accepting and loving the person that some had deemed deserving of it.

I want to thank all of you (Haidee, Jamie, Jamee, Jacky, Iris, Donna, Kristina, Marie, and Louie) for making me the person I am today, for bringing me out to embrace the brightness that can still be found in this world. I also want to extend my thanks to my college friends (Peachy, Eirha, Yola, Kath, Nikko, Nova, and Carlo) for the friendship and being my support system in an entirely new environment. I could list a lot more people to thank, but you guys are the best! Thank you for giving me my confidence back, for showing me that the world isn't a scary place full of friend-users, that I deserve a place in this world, and even if I'm the most unconventional person around, I'm not a senseless nor worthless in your eyes. Thank you for the gift of love, trust, and friendship, it is indeed a treasure I'll cherish till the end of our years, or the end of the world, whichever comes first. ^^

Woeful Days

2007-04-20T22:19:00.000+08:00

There are days when I feel perfectly fine, totally in control of my emotions, ready to face the world with the smile they had come to know so well, eyes that radiate nothing more than interest. And there are days when the stony facade crumbles and the anguish shows through. I guess today is one of those days. No matter how strong I try to make myself into, I'm afraid, I'll never be truly strong enough to face the challenges ahead with a smile on my face and no tears evident in my cheeks.

What Makes You Different...

2007-04-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

"What makes you different, makes you beautiful. What's there inside you, shines through and through..." Line from the Backstreet Boys' "What Makes You Different", which was also used in the soundtrack for Disney's Princess Diaries.

It is something that had become close to a litany as I embrace my uniqueness. Lines that had kept me from hiding who I really am.

What does it take to be real? To be open to scrutiny and judgment? To be regarded as 'different'? A whole lot of courage maybe, or just a real desire to show the world the reality of their misconceptions. We all grew up in a society that doesn't take too kindly to those who are unlike them, we see them label a whole number of people solely because they are different from themselves. But what makes being 'different' a bad thing? Something I always end up wondering about.

Look around you, they're all like you in so many ways. They go to school, study, play games, work, think, eat, and a whole lot more. And yet, for a simple action or characteristic that you have no part of, you will consider as someone not fit to be in your social circle. An outcast to a society-driven thought.

What a sad reality it is when we realize that a lot of the people around us wears a mask, to hide who they are as a person, to represent a fabricated persona in order "to belong". A life I also once led.

Based on experience, it is a doomed fate. Tyring to please everyone by being someone lead to nothing more than becoming their lackey, being bullied indirectly, accepting their cruelty, and toyed around emotionally. It leaves more battle-scars than joining a real war since they are invisible scars that left you feeling unworthy, and in worst cases, a person who doesn't deserve to live. Some would probably laugh, thinking this is an extremity, and there are those who will scoff, thinking there are no one like that at all. It is our own inconsiderate attitudes that sometimes lead to a much cruel fate than we ever could imagine. A fate that leads to a loss of self-worth, self-respect, and the loss of one's own identity.

Learning to embrace my own individuality, restoring my sense of self-worth and self-respect was an uphill battle filled with discouragment, and a lot of self-doubt. But what I learned from all these, by slowly being true to who I am, I gained true friends that love the real me, and being different cease to be an ominous concept.

Nowadays, I still hear a lot of comments calling me weird, and for most people, that would be considered such a big insult. For me, it was a term I learned to equate to being unique. Weird doesn't have to be a bad thing at all, because God made us all weird by giving us individuality.

For the friends who stood by me through the ups and downs of my eventful life, a heartfelt thanks!!

The world isn't ready for me and I am not ready to face the world

2006-11-30T21:04:00.000+08:00

It's funny when I think about it... it's so funny that I end up crying my eyes dry... My life is one big irony. Trapped in a world where every single action I do elicit a different response from what I hope for. Everyday is a struggle. To be true to oneself and nature isn't an easy task, and yet it is the path I had chosen to take. Unfortunately, as time passes, I am riddled with doubts. Should I even walk further on this path? Should even throw caution to the wind and stand my ground against everyone who feels I am overstepping my boundaries? I am tired. So tired of struggling. So tired of thinking of ways to escape the chains I am bound with. Some of them think it is by choice. But who would chose to be bound to a life where freedom is scarce and your own do not accept you as you are? I am who I am and I want to stay as who I am. Unfortunately, as things stand, I don't quite feel up to it. The mask has been shattered once again. The sadness is out for all the world to see and I found myself once again struggling. The world knew the smile, and only a select few know about the tears.

So Young, Sounding So Old

2006-08-05T18:53:00.000+08:00

I guess it is simply my way
Sounding older than my days
As I grasp for meaning
To figure what I'm missing

There are times when thoughts just passed
And I don't bother since it wouldn't last
But just seconds of time
And it'll rest on the back of my mind

I am merely a girl
With wings not quite unfurled
Barely out of my teens
Knowing helplessness and what it means

Truth is something hidden
It will not show even when bidden
It can be called a thing
That would most times sting

Laughter is not all innocence
It's not something we all can sense
For evil can lurk behind a face
Some not even leaving a trace

Disillussion is our constant companion
It is one of change's many minions
With disappointment in tow
True happiness giving a weak glow

Life is many different things
And different emotions it brings
As hardship pile one over the another
You learn to rely on yourself more and less on others

Gratefulness

2006-05-10T20:58:00.000+08:00

Don't you just experience days when you look back on your life and find things to be grateful for? To find situations that makes you feel glad you decided to live instead of to die? I guess today is one of those days when I feel the urge to check out my friendster testimonial, albeit they're few compared to other people, for the perfect way to cheer up, and to shed a few heartfelt tears.

At times like this, I am glad I did not give up to the hopelessness I feel inside. It's also finding the reasons again that I had not failed to be the best person I can be, not only through my eyes, but also through the eyes of those I had come to know, love and share precious memories with.

I can't explain this nostalgic mood I found myself in, but somehow, I feel its fitting to remind me what I had gone through to get where I am now. Moreover, it also serves as a reminder that I had people who appreciate my presence the same way I appreciate them as well. Though I don't always get to chat them up, I know that in my heart, they will always remain special, and that they too know it as well.

Thank you everyone for making me feel someone of worth. You have no idea how much that helped me got through life.

Updates ^^

2006-02-28T19:07:00.000+08:00

Hehehe... it has been awhile since i last posted, it's obvious how lazy I am...

Let's see, I've just started work, working on my fourth week at Bench, the clothing company/retailer of apparels... etc...

I've updated my new fic, Atashi no Koi, which I believed people who knew could very much guess plenty about it...

I'm working on another song, which I'll post once it's done...

hmm... I guess that's it for now.... hehehe.... ^^

hmm...

2006-01-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

somehow, i feel like writing and yet nothing i want to write makes sense... i'm torn with this need to let off some of my thoughts, and yet, i couldn't quite put into words what it is that wants to break free and speak forth...

On Things and Stuff that Bothers Me

2005-08-02T11:44:00.000+08:00

Well, i have to say a lot of things bother me, but what bothers me the most is the fact that people are afraid to be themselves. i'm not saying that i'm not one of those people because in some way i still am, but at least i'm trying my best to show others who i really am... i think the root of this fear is not being accepted by society. we've seen examples of such happenings, more in the form of men coming out of the closet to announce to the world that their gay. society had put it into our beliefs that there's only black and white and no gray areas in between, that these gray areas are met with such violent reactions that border on hostility to outright denouncement of such individuals. i believe each of us wears a mask concealing our deepest desires, thoughts, and feelings. we show the world something we believe it would find no fault in, a face that shows nothing more than a shadow of what we really are. i remember the days when i used to hide behind the shadows, being compliant, naive, and utterly speechless, a victim of bullies. but if you think about it, bullies themselves have that mask. each of us has something we want to hide to the world, i'm not denying that, but to actually have the courage to let go of that fear is something that we all seem to lack. i'm no inspirational nor motivational speaker, but i do know that despite the fact that no one would seriously take me to be the writer of such words at first glance, there are people out there willing to look beyond what they can see to the woman that i am. for others, being the center of attention is everything, and for some its the bane of their existence. others still crave to be recognize for their own endeavors, while others prefer to let others take the credit. can you look inside your soul and honestly say that you don't regret not taking credit for what is due to you? i know i did, plenty of times, because these are the opportunities that we miss out the most when we went for the modest approach because society would look upon you as arrogant. is it enough for you to know you played a part on getting someone to the top, when in truth that person doesn't serve it and would have probably missed it if you didn't do exert the needed effort so that he could take credit for your job? it's okay to be modest, but it's not okay to be taken advantage of. you are a nice person, but you're also naive if you think that that's the end of it... people had always wanted to reach the top, and when they do, they want to stay on top, and that means you'll have to continually working your butt off while these person reaps the benefit.
~*~*~*~
arrogance, defined.
arrogance had for most people meant simply of boasting, but i think it's time we put more into this definition. the purpose of boasting is to gain attention, no matter how trivial it is. on the other hand claiming credit for something you did isn't. it's getting credit where credit's due. therefore it shouldn't be consider arrogance when you claim what is rightfully yours.
~*~*~*~
i'll add more when i don't have pressing matters to attend to...

Can I Trust My Heart with You

2005-07-14T19:57:00.000+08:00

Can I trust my heart with you?

Can you promise not to break it in two?

Can I risk getting hurt by you again?

Can I believe this is for real then?

You lied to me once before

That I can’t be entirely sure

If I open my heart to you again

Would you make me happy in anyway you can?

No one really knows

It’s something I can’t show

The love I still have for you

And how I always remained true.

It’s clear to me now

Despite my doubts

This is where I belong

The reason I held on

The time for words is over

My fears shall need to look for cover

Because I’m trusting my heart with you

Just please don’t break it in two.

Refuting the fraud-Mr. Art Bell's Article, Filipinos... makes me puke

2005-06-12T19:26:00.001+08:00

Hahaha... I just have to re-edit this. I guess I didn't realize that I made a lot of grammatical and typographical errors because I was so pissed off...
anyway, it's the same stuff, just grammatically better.

~*~*~

I'm not sure if anyone had seen or read the article I'm referring to, but for those who missed it, I'll post it for your convenience and to refresh the memories of those who managed to read it...

~*~*~

Filipinos.....*make me puke* (Art Bell)

As we've all come to notice, in the past few decades, Filipinos have begun to infest the United States like some sort of disease. Their extensive involvement in the U.S. Armed Forces is proof of the trashy kind of qualities all Filipinos tend to exhibit on a regular basis. You can see this clearly by studying the attitudes and cultural Icons of most Filipino Americans.

Origins of Pinoys/Pinays:

Are they really Asian? Well we've come to accept the fact the Filipinos come from a part of the world known as South East Asia. But the term "Asia" is used in the wrong way. You may notice that contemporary Filipino Americans try very hard to associate themselves with groups that we know as Asian. I cannot count the number of times I have seen a 'Third World' Filipino try to connect themselves to the Chinese or Japanese people. There is no connection and here's why. The Philippines is a Third World country. Nothing respectable has EVER been created by Filipino people during our entire human history. Young Filipino men in America have become obsessed with "import racing". They have an enormously perverted affection for Japanese cars. It's a common phenomenon. In their minds, these Filipinos somehow believe that they are Asian and that it somehow connects them to Japanese people and Japanese cars. They often take credit for the ingenuity of Japanese people and say how it's an "Asian thing". This term..."Asian thing" derived directly from African American slang "blackthang". "It's a black thang." "It's an asian thang." You can see the connection. It's even funnier that, in Japan, Filipinos are heavily discriminated against. The only filipinos that can live successfully in Japan are the filipino prostitutes. But that's the case for most Filipino people no matter where they live in the world. Now we've come down to this fact...and it is a fact.

Nothing in Filipino Culture can be seen as Asian. They have no architectural, artistic, or cultural influence which is in ANY way, asian. Thinking of the great countries in Asia such as Japan, Korea, and China there is no way you can possibly connect the Philippine Islands. This assault by filipino americans to connect themselves with the great peoples of North East Asia is foul and disgusting. Try visiting a young filipino's web site too. You'll see something called the "Asian IRC Ring". It has to do with the chatrooms. The most horrible thing about this is that these TRASHY people are trying to associate themselves with Asia again!! People in Asia don't act like, this at all. What we are seeing here is the natural Filipino in it's element with full access to technology and this is how they act! You will consistently see this behavior over and over again.

Another interesting thing is that these "thirdworld" people also frequent RC chatrooms such as #chinese #japan and #asian. They must believe that they are some how related racially or culturally to North Asians. But it's completely WRONG! There might have been some distant contact With China and even less with Japan during World War II, but these people are actually more closely related to African americans and Mexican americans.

Do the parents of these young filipinos know what's going on? Would they accept this? I believe that they would and do. This is the natural "Trash" element in filipinos manifesting itself. Nothing good has ever come from Philippines and I don't believe anything good ever will.

Recognizing your Roots (A Message to Filipinos)

To all filipino people:
Please recognize your ROOTS! You come from the Third World! You country is a disgusting and filthy place. Most people there live in poverty! Your culture has MUCH MORE SPANISH influence than chinese, and absolutely no JAPANESE influence whatsoever. People in Japan and China, do not act like you. They do not constantly talk about sex and they have a MUCH HIGHER level of RESPECT for each other. There is NO WAY that you can connect yourself to Asia other than location. Your culture and technological advancement does not even come CLOSE to What Chinese, people have done in the past and what Japanese and Korean people are doing now! Everything you do is distinctly filipino. You cannot take credit for Japanese cars, video games, or Hentai! It's not an "asian thing" it's, an "American thing". You have no concept of culture...no concept of asian ideas or asian philosophy! Can you demonstrate how you use Confucianism or Taoism in you everyday life?? You can't. And you will NEVER be able to. I understand that you are trying to create an identity for yourselves as young people... but it is NOT related to Asia.

Your Identity is Filipino. That's all you are. Just Filipino. Think about what that means....

Sincerely,

Art

~*~*~

In relation to what I am about to say, I ask you all to bear in mind that the one behind this Hate mail was not the real Art Bell, rather someone mindful of the attention associated with the name to use it as his/her pseudonym in showing his/her ignomity.

It must be said that this had circulated several months ago through e-mail, if I remember correctly, and it is due to my heavy schedule that I had not been able to place my own response to this outright libel.

A person who forgets to look at his own roots before degrading another is like a wannabe star badmouthing his/her rival. I don't believe anyone has a right to call another race "thrash" and degrade them to nothing more than a speck of dust. I ask you now, if an American says Filipinos are trashy because they have no real culture, but only cultures from the invading forces that had dominated the Philippines for more than 3 centuries, then wouldn't it be just fair if the Filipinos called these Americans British or English "trash" as well since it had been apparently clear in American history that these so-called White Americans had been nothing more than society outcasts and their families who left England or Britain to settle in the continent they had dubbed the "New World" away from the stifling English society where First-Born males were given the highest priority? Of course Filipinos could do that, but that would mean stooping to their level of thrash talk.

Anyone who's familiar with Philippine history would firmly state that this person made the mistake of saying that Filipinos don't have a culture when in fact, we do. Way before the Spanish vessel had first landed on our archipelago, we had our own rich culture that had sadly been replaced with another. Long before the Spanish unified the archipelago with their conquest for the "sake of religion", Filipinos had been living a peaceful life. They had their own form of primitive government where a datu ruled a town or barrio, the society had been egalitarian, meaning women had been given equal rights as men, their own concept of art, as could be deduced from the painted, or tattooed bodies that had been considered their own label of fashion, and the instruments they had developed for music. Moreover, these primitive ancestors had been able to build their own home using the resources available at their disposal, living in harmony with nature.

The Spanish had been a colorful historical landmark in the sense they had changed the Philippines as the first Filipinos had known it. Roads had been flattened and became cobbled, buildings and structures using stones had been erected, rails had been placed on the windows and heavy clothing replaced the clothes that had been designed for our climate. Anito worship had been replaced with a half-understood Christianity, women had been cast away from their positions as equals of men and been reduced to a place of hearth and home, banned from getting a proper education that includes Mathematics and Science. The natives had been made to feel inferior, because of their hospitality, they had been believed to be nothing more than eager to serve others, that the Spanish had fashioned themselves to be lords, someone that had not seen the handle of a broom or a walis-tingting. Forced into inferiority by these White Europeans, the Philippines had been treated nothing more than a vacation place a rich aristocrat or elite might have on the shores of some lake in the country, away from the heavy bustle of city life. If you think about it, the corrupt Spaniards had introduced the concept of graft and corruption in the first place, as well as other vices that had plaqued our nation at the moment. I am not blaming the Spaniards of today since they had not done anything to warrant any blame on their part. I'm talking about the past, and I'm not entirely saying that the Spanish invasion had not been beneficial in some ways.

The Americans had done a better job, but sad to say had left a trait that had been the downfall of many a business in the country. I am referring to the fact that most Filipinos believed our goods to be inferior to that of the Americans, the so-called "colonial mentality". They had been conditioned in the belief that as long that it's imported, it's of good quality. What a lot of these people don't realize is that the labor of some of these "imported" goods had been done by their own countrymen as well.

The Japanese occupation had been one unforgetable event in our long history. It had been filled with oppression and an air of despair and hopelessness, and yet the courageous among our people had dared to stand up against them despite the lack of support by the Americans. Who's to say that we owe our courage to our conquerors when in fact it had been ingrained within us way before the Spaniards had first laid their eyes on our shores?

Now that we've recounted some highlights of the history of our people, I believe it just follows that we bring to light some of the values and traits that had already been incorporated in our brief historical discussion. I don't think we owe to any conqueror our courage, nor our artistic inclinations during the pre-Spanish period. It should be noted that the Filipinos are naturally hospitable and resourceful. Moreover, we value the concept of bayanihan, the collective effort of helping a fellowmen. How many countries can boast of having a trait such as this?

I would also like to ask this person if he had any idea at all of the architectural structures Filipinos had erected during the Pre-Spanish period. Sure, we do not have similar architectural structures such that could be seen in countries such as Japan with their tatami mats and shoji screen, China with their tiled roof, but it must be put into consideration the fact that our country is located further south than these two, nearer the equator, and therefore experiencing a different climate. Houses made out of rock takes a lot work and our ingenious people had managed to make their homes not out of rocks, but out of the bamboos that were abundant in resources. Because of our climate, houses made of bamboos made it a lot cooler during the summer months and having a raised floor protects it from the flood in the monsoon season. If you're still unclear to what I am referring to, I am talking about our national house, the Bahay Kubo.

What is wrong by calling ourselves Asian, because we truly are Asian? We are not Asian based on geography alone, we share values with other Asian culture that this person knows nothing about. We are, as I said before a hybrid of different cultures, a melting pot of various origins both from Asia and other continents. Yet, despite the influences of Western countries with their suspicious outlook in life and individualistic lifestyle, we Asians had always stuck together, we all share the collectivistic view on society. Each Asian could find something that would connect him to his continent in whole world, so why would someone begrudge any Asian to seek out its roots? If this person feels so strongly against Asians, Filipinos in particular, why would he need to write this under someone else's name? It only further strengthens my belief that he had no idea what he was talking about. Rizal wasn't a coward, nor was Balagtas when they decided to write against the Spanish colonial authority in the Philippines during that time, so why would this be any different?

I have to say I am disgusted that this person feels that it is a shame to be a member of a "Third World" country. We might not be technologically advance, but being looked down upon by one as ignorant as this person appears to be is enough to make any country under the so-called "Third World" banner furious. He must try to get his facts straight because as far as any educated women and men are concerned, the Filipinos had contributed a number of important things to the world. The invention of Khaos wasn't made by an American, and in case for those who had no idea of what this gadget is for, let me enlighten you. Khaos is a gadget that allows car owners to save on gas by almost 50% and it's a really timely invention since oil isn't exactly an unlimited resource. Is this person even aware that the Filipinos discovered the beneficial uses of virgin coconut oil? Or what about the medicine for the foot and mouth disease? Erythromycin was discovered by Dr. Abelardo Aguilar, Agapito Flores designed the flourescent lamp that we used today, even the former American President Bill Clinton had entrusted his health to Dr. Eleanor "Connie" Concepcion Mariano, a Filipina doctor that even became the youngest captain in the US navy. And who could forget the disaster that a Filipino had created with his "ILOVEYOU" bug? Jose Rizal was a genius in his own right, being able to write at the age of two, growing up and becoming a lot more than an opthalmologist. He was a writer, a painter, a sculptor and a teacher. And besides that, he had learned to speak 20 languages, not an easy feat for anyone. So how could this person just state that nothing good or important had ever come from our shores? He needs to investigate more and he might just find that a Filipino had been behind the special effects used in his favorite movie, a Filipino engineer had built his computer, there are so many things nameless Filipinos had contributed to society and to degrade a people into nothing more than a labor machine of no importance is very pathetic.

I would further like to point out that we do not constantly talk about sex and being liberal with that term had been the cause of your influence. Our people used to be a conservative nation, in some respects it is still is, however to accuse of thinking nothing more than sex twenty-four seven reveals the fact that you are indeed in an insecure position. There is nothing entirely wrong of talking and exchanging information about sex, since it is not a taboo term. Furthermore, being open about such an issue lessens the chances of putting it to practice without prior knowledge, such that had befell India with its high-rate of AIDS-afflicted individuals due to lack of responsible sex education.

Another thing, there's a reason we are called the only Catholic country in Asia, cause the majority of our people are Catholics. So why does this person have to ask us about applying Confucianism or Taoism in our everyday life? You don't see me asking a person from another country that question because it is irrelevant. Not all Asians are Buddhist or Taoist for your information.

Whatever this person understands, it is not that we are trying to find an identity for ourselves, because every individual goes through that stage. As a people, we already have an identity so why should we seek out something more? The only thing we are looking for is who we truly are as a person, in case identity crisis is too technical a term for this person. Psychologists know this, and even laymen understands this concept so how about this person, is he open-minded enough to realize that?

This person had ended his essay saying we should think about it, being a Filipino I mean. And that must be the only part I agree with him wholeheartedly. True, I am just a Filipino, and I'm proud of being called one. I am not a Filipino by blood, but I am born a Filipino, a Filipino that could make a name for myself, even in a small scale, through the traits that each Filipino had learned to acquire, the perseverance to succeed.

:) oh happy days...

2005-04-08T16:16:00.000+08:00

Okay, maybe i shouldn't be too happy about life at the moment, i'm in danger of failing eco, but somehow, that doesn't really seem to faze me much... must because finally, i've met my half-brother and i have to say it felt like i've known him my whole life. i wished i'm spending time with him right now, but hey, i can't exactly bail out on our thesis proposal and i do want to graduate come october... i guess i just wanted to share to the world the happiness that's bubbling up within me... anyway, i better get back to writing that darn thesis...

Don't Come Running Back To Me

2005-02-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

Don't Come Running Back To Me

I've cried so much

Since you went away

And now you're back

Saying you're here to stay

Been caught up

In the changing times

I have to wonder

What's on your mind

(Cause) I don't want to cry

I don't want to scream

I'm so confused

Don't know what to do

If you're not true

Don't come running back to me... yeah...

I don't want to hurt

I don't want this pain

It's driving me

Insane

If you're not true

Then don't come running back

Running back to me

It's been a while

Since we last talk

Didn't have a chance

To know what went wrong

And now you're here

Saying you want me back

But how can we

When trust is what we lack...

*~*~*~*~*

Basically, i'm still not through with this song... i'm working on the bridge...

%-(

2005-02-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

Confusion

I don't want to cry no more

Don't want to hurt no any more

Been down that road before

Don't want to go back for more

You came and left me

Sitting down, my heart in pain

You never looked back

You never really cared

And now you're back again

Waiting to pick up what's left

I wonder if there's any piece left

To be broken when you leave

I can't seem to shake the feeling

You want only one thing from me

You could care less if I lose heart

As long as no harm come to my part

It's always been like this with you

And I wonder if you've ever been true

You go through this women

And yet tell me you want to come back

I don't understand you

Don't even know if I want to

But if you're serious this time around

Pursue me and i might come around

Nothing Really

2005-01-29T13:27:00.000+08:00

Well, i'm back on my feet and raring to get back into the swell of things... being confined in the hospital is not a good idea with a scammer on the loose and scamming my friends using my ym account.... not to mention all of the lectures and lessons i missed... well, anyway, i've got to make-up for everything so despite unexpected distractions in my life right now, i can't afford to sit back and make pretty...

Turning 20

2005-01-08T13:16:00.001+08:00

okay, i turned 20 yesterday and i still had not done the promised recap of the whole term... but let's make it the whole year...
~*~*~*~*~*~
there might be lapses in my memory, but still i'm going to write what i can...

let's see...

* spent a term in batangas for almost a week...

* experienced my first failure in college

* realized i'm not in love

* waited to see if the fortune-teller was right (she's not, unless i did something that had altered my future

* found myself feeling unwanted attraction to another guy

* managed to get accepted to rice mag

* been doing well with managing the bulletin board

* made a few more close friends

* been writing a new novel

* been getting wonderful reviews but i'm still not through with it despite my first goal to finish it in time for christmas... i'm still in chapter 18.... can't say how long it'll be... >.<

* passed my failed course the second time around

* passed my scary embryo class as well

~*~*~*~*~
hmmm... i think that's about it.... or at least that's what i could remember at the top of my head...

wonder if this year i'll find someone to love.....

Another Hell Weel Ahead

2004-11-29T16:37:00.000+08:00

i guess now would be the time to push the panic button... i'm swamped with work and i could still laugh about it, for the moment anyway... but i've got to work extra hard cause i'm sure this week would be another week of countless pressures and stresses and the second term winds down to an end... come to think about it, i might just write something like summary of my second term after it ends... as for now, got to get back to work...

Hell Week and Happy Stuffs

2004-11-22T18:06:00.000+08:00

at least it was last week... talk about not getting enough sleep...... i mean i went to bed at 4 am last monday, 11 at tuesday, 2 am on wednesday and around 11 on thursday and they woke me up at 6 am in the mornings.... well, a lot of things happened last week but i rather not divulged into much detail....
~*~*~*~*~*~
well, on the good side of things, i managed to put up the bulletin board and it looked so cute. got a few more chapters done and got more inspiring reviews to steam me ahead, but i'll have to find time for it as quizzes are railing their way...
~*~*~*~*~*~
i really want to give those people responsible for a lot more work for us a piece of my mind.... i mean because of them, we have a lot more stuff to do than we already have.... they're lucky they're not as busy as the rest of us are... on top of school work, we have extracurricular activities that require our attentions as well... i really wished they had been a silent bunch from the first time we had embryo class.. grr..........

Honto ni Ureshi desu

2004-11-10T22:38:00.001+08:00

i've received three good review for my new story and i can't help bu inform the whole world who reads my blog...
i'm not that good a writer yet, but i'm happy that people appreciate my hard work... i'll have to try to work faster and come up with good storylines for next time, but first things first, i've got to finish this one or i won't be able to give my friends, well mostly girls, a copy of it as their christmas gifts... for the guys, i;ve still got to think about something else... i can't really pciture them reading a story like that... so.... hehehe i'm so excited... i'm all fired up... but i still need to go to bed soon for i;ve still got classes to attend, bulletin board to put up... and whatnot... got to finish chapter 4 tomorrow... and maybe even start on chapter 5.... wah!!! i;ve already told peachy how it's going to end.... but got to work on the body still........ sigh......... i'm going to bed a happy woman... hehehe.... :)
~*~*~*~*~*~
oh, if anyone's interested to read it.... here's the link, although i'm not sure if i'm allowed to leave links in my blog...
so sleepy... (--.)zzzZZZ
www.fictionpress.com/~sakurajen
just look for one who gets three reviews and three chapters long, for the moment anyway.... hehehe

Anger

2004-11-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

i feel it inside,

writhing,

waiting,

for a chance to strike.

it coiled up so tightly,

its eyes ever staring,

her jaws at ready,

for that one chance.

to bite down an enemy,

it would choose not,

for it had built up so long,

it would bite though it be wrong.

the time is ticking,

i wonder how long i'll last

to hold back a chain

so long had stayed fast.

my grasp might be slipping

for all i know,

and still i wait,

fretting even more.

like a volcano it shall burst forth,

outcome unknown,

but my heart yearns release,

from the snake coiled within.

a simple trigger might cause it to blow

and all the anger shall flow,

but would it be enough,

to soothe one's wounded heart?

^^

2004-11-03T20:16:00.000+08:00

Today I saw a friend,

One I had not seen for awhile,

He looked well,

And I am glad,

For he had truly worked hard.

He must be busy,

As I myself am,

But I can't help wishing,

That someday soon,

We'll both be able to catch up.

Friends had come and go,

For we're all in different places,

But the friendship remains strong,

Across distances apart,

For the bonds shall remain long,

Till days had passed,

And I had breathed my last.

Welcoming In November

2004-11-02T14:51:00.000+08:00

well, a month remains

before the coming day,

gifts are thought about,

and money had been well-saved.

canvassing had begun

as the season draws near,

toys and clothes aplenty,

books and bags galore.

letters had been thought about,

composed throughout the day,

to be written on christmas cards,

to be given on that special day.

~*~*~*~*~

october had come and gone,

and here i still stand.

alone and without love,

i continually plow ahead.

no star to guide my path,

as the wind tries to hold me back.

though love may not be here today,

i'll find it in any possible way.

christmas is due to come,

and mayhap my chance for love.

though it might not be so,

i'll still wait and see

if that someone

might even be looking for me.

alone i remained to this day,
yet not a tear shall fall today,

for the future is full of possibilites,

it makes no sense to give in to depressive thoughts.

the ice of novemeber might bring me cold,

without anyone to cuddle and hold,

but december might bring me something new,

mayhap in a person called you. :)

Longing

2004-10-27T22:11:00.000+08:00

I longed for you,

As the sky turned blue.

Tears began to fall,

How I wished you would call.

In the midst of my despair,

I wondered if you care.

The beauty of dawn had lost its light,

For my soul had gone lost in the night.

The loneliness that had held me so,

Can't be chase away by the star's warm glow.

I stand here all alone,

True love I had never known.

The Sun is up for the whole world to see,

And here I am, wond'ring if you'll ever notice me.

Hehehe... =)

2004-10-16T20:13:00.000+08:00

Well, i went to sleep last night around 1 am, that's a rarity... that was the first time i had a real time conversation with ryan... he's a friend i met on myspace... he lives way over there in cebu... :)
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well... i forgot to add last night that this really cute guy i met the day before was actually the model brother of my sister's highschool batchmate.... could you believed what a small world it really is? -.~
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well, anyways.... i did more lazying than i should...
got to get myself to start working on stuffs i put on hold.... like finishing the stroy i'm goona give my friends for christmas, finishing another portrait drawing of dinah, starting on the bulletin board designs for this month, and maybe cracking some books... i hate studying... -_-

TGIF

2004-10-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

Well, as can be expected, i lost the contest... well, actually, i was the only one who really didn't think i win, so it was the people around me who got disappointed, but then again, life goes on. :)
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well, i really didn't expect a lot of things on that day... peach was able to make it cause their meeting was cancelled... nova was also there and sean too. kevin, paola and tina were also there along with some other LaPiStas.... i was happy in some way, but then again, i can't help but think that maybe if i got over my stage fright, i might even have done a better job... but as it stand, i made a little mess of my performance... but... i wouldn't let that stop me from doing something similar again in the future. :) despite the fact that i might never win anything, being able to keep on trying, i might even be able to get over my stage-fright... now that's a good thing... :) anyway, i had fun, even though i was a nervous wreck that day, feeling like puking, shivering, breaking into cold sweat and hyperventilating... that's me :P hehehe... anyway, it's the weekend and i do hope i get to catch up on my sleep and maybe laze around a little... oh... busy busy busy.... :)

The Night Before

2004-10-12T18:01:00.000+08:00

Okay, i'm getting a lot of butterflies in my tummy right about now... i just found out i'll be the fifth one on that stage tomorrow and self-defeating thoughts are beginning to cloud my mind, interfering with my practice and i'm getting myself worked up into some form of panic and i know i have to stop that from happening... i had to remind myself that this was something i had dreamed of doing before... of reaching out for something i had always wanted but had never been courageous enough to pursue.... ryan had once told me to seize every opportunity i see, and i guess i took that to heart. yola, kath, nova, nicole and a lot more wouldn't be able to make it to offer their support because they have to attend talks and meetings.... peachy has to go to a meeting but she'll try to make it, and i do hope she does, same as carlo, i do hope he'll be able to make it as well.... they will be my pillar of support, to keep me from backing out, from hiding behind the shell of my insecurities... too deeply had i hid this weakness within my heart that it's pretty amusing to find people surprised that despite my confident exterior, i am nothing more than a normal woman with normal insecurities... guess that's my edge... i can never really show how scared i am, nor speak how i truly feel when the object of my emotions is there in front of me... a blessing and a curse, a two-edged sword that is similar to loving and falling in love with one you wished to have but afraid to reach out for... but i do hope that my life doesn't forever play like a broken record... maybe this might be the first step in actually overcoming something within myself, who knows.... but i do know one thing, I NEED TO PRACTICE MORE!!!!! X

Another Adventure?

2004-10-10T11:42:00.000+08:00

Well, it is another adventure... another trek to something unknown... something untried, yet frought with something akin to danger.... EMBARRASSMENT...
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should i dare take the risk? do i dare climb that stage and belt a song that i've only attempted to learn in a mere week? maybe if you think i'm talking about an english song or a filipino song... but i'm not, i'm talking about japanese songs... if only game songs were part of the allowed songs, i would have gone melodies of life or my all-time favorite 1000 words, but since it doesn't say.... the next best thing is a song i've been listening to without actually thinking of learning the lyrics... so here i am, trying my best to memorize Ayumi Hamasaki's Wishing... which is a really cool song, sentimental and romantic... even though i don't really know what it means... just a gut feeling i always get on songs that i can't really understand the language... anyway, wish me luck cause if i don't get this memorized by tuesday, i'm not gonna join that contest.... oh well, 1,500 bucks would be really out of my reach... :) :(

Hmmm....

2004-10-06T22:01:00.001+08:00

i am not sure how to begin, or do i even want to begin... today, i found out that no matter how much, or even how long, i'm mad at someone doesn't change the fact that i had once shared a piece of my heart with that person. it also revealed to me that no matter how hard i try to harden my heart agaisnt the harsh realities of life, i remain as i am. my heart as weak as ever despite looking as tough as i can. i'm no saint, nor do i play the victim, but being able to extend the hand of friendship once again, no matter how much it hurt, might it be pride or something else, proved that i have changed. i'm no longer as childish as i used to be. i could really feel that i am maturing this year. at least that part of what the fortune-teller said came true. she had told me before that i am going to become mature in the trials ahead. i can't really say i'm happy right now, nor can i say i'm cheerful at most, cause i'm not. it's hard enough trying to do everything as not to give any one reason to worry about me, but to keep doing that even the comforts of my own home would tire me out much quicker, and i do need everything i could get cause i need to study for a test tomorrow. lately, it seems the topics i present are more serious than i intended. i guess i can't forever hide behind the shelter of my cheerfulness...

On Whoops and Sighs

2004-10-01T08:38:00.000+08:00

do i have any reason to sigh on this wonderful day? the archers had won the uaap championships, there is a festive air in the school, although they are groans from many who wished today be a free day... and yet, here i sit and sigh...
* * * * *
i had whooped along with the crowd through my only view of the game happening from afar, i held my breath as the game near its end, i suffered doubts as the time dwindled down to but a few measly seconds and the archers are down by two. i let out a shout as JV Casio sank a beautiful three-pointer that got us back in the lead. and mac's unbelievably lucky rebound had sealed the win with the two gift shots that he had successfully scored. the tears flowed freely from everyone's face, following the awarding ceremony... and alone, i watched from home, as crowds kept cheering and the cameras kept flashing... it was a wonderful game, to be remembered for its intensity and unpredictability...
* * * * *
and now i sigh... just like every day since a few weeks past... my mind in chaos, my heart in turmoil... i am lost in feelings and visions that plagued my dreams of late... i can not explain nor would i attempt... my restlessness is showing as i await whatever this month shall bring... would it be the destined one, or shall disappointment rule this anticipating heart? i await the events destined for this month with bated breath, hope i shall force into the bottom of my heart for i shall hate to feel that i had hoped, only to plunge into the depths of sorrow and disillusionment...

Seasonn 67 Semis and 2nd Term

2004-09-14T19:29:00.000+08:00

well.... it's official!!!! we're in the no. 2 spot with the twice to beat advantage over ateneo.... just a really weird thought though, i like fonacier and tiu from ateneo, but i want dlsu to win, how confusing it is when they're the ones fighting... you don't know if you could cheer for them when it turns out every good shot they make means they're a basket closer to beating us.... oh well... hope we make it to the finals...
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well, it seems a lot of people viewed me as one of those students who won't fail anything... it was pretty funny actually, but nonetheless, it makes me want to work harder just so i wouldn't find myself in such a position again...
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one month... just one month to go and i'll find out if what the fortune-teller said was true... would it be the truth or just nothing more than a lie? would i indeed meet the man that was meant for me, or would i find more disappointment? i don't want to raise my hope, but can i tell my heart not to? sigh... what conflicting thoughts plague my mind, thrusting it in chaos filled with emotions, anticipation and the fear of disappointment? how is it possible to hope and not to find pain in disappointment? thoughts that continually disturb not only me but others as well...

2004-09-11T15:57:00.000+08:00

The Forgotten

Friday Fun

2004-09-10T15:52:00.000+08:00

well... it's not exactly a fun friday but at least i got to see some of my friends evn though the reason for seeing them is not exactly a very positive event.... okay, to dispel any confusion, today, i went to school to adjust my schedule because i failed chem. yes, i'm not cheerful nor in a ranting mood at the moment as i was before. just resigned to the fate i was handed with and handling my grief in a more mature way...
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anyway, i had a conversation with a friend i haven't talked to for awhile, chatted with some of my friends, spent the rest of my afternoon in front of my computer, brought some new clothes to wear for next term this morning and basically spending my last friday in a more or less light-hearted mood since i'll be going back for the second term on monday...
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well, i'm sorry if i made you sad yola... wasn't really my intention... didn't even realize you were reading my posts... thanks a lot and i miss you too... let's hang-out next term whenever we could and maybe go out on another food trip with a lot more people than just me, you, peachy and dr. :)

Thoughts and Thoughts and Lots of Thoughts

2004-08-28T10:55:00.000+08:00

well... i actually have some thoughts last night... unfortunately i forgot about them T_T...
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well, another boring day and posting is just another pastime to help while the time away until something interesting happens... because it's still flooded over here, i can't even go and play with my dogs... my connection isn't stable that it's much more a hassle to play ragnarok than it is fun... i still don't know which files to keep that i'm no nearer to actually reformatting my computer... just managed to pass my application for Selene Scans and i'm still waiting if i got the job or not....
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another boring day, another senseless posts... thoughts come quickly, stay for awhile and eventually fades... leaving behind a feeling... a sense of loss...

Posting on a Boring Day

2004-08-26T16:00:00.000+08:00

well, the rain hadn't let up much. our house is swamped (not the house itself, just the lawn and the grounds outside, house is very much elevated, luckily), and plans after plans hadn't push through.
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on monday, i was supposed to do a group study with my friend, peach. unfortunately, by some unknown reason, i somehow got my format for my final paper to be passed on the same day wrong.... took two full hours to retype cause i didn't save it in a diskette....
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yesterday, we were supposed to go on a gimmick... food tripping and maybe a movie, all after the exam and the adjustment, but unfortunate matters sprung up once again... rain and buckets of them flooded the streets, it was a really weird and upsetting day. i was told to go home right after the adjustment....
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well, today, yola was suppose to come over and we were planning to have a dvd marathon and cheer on the game later... but unfortunately, it rained too much again and the game was postponed.... oh well... are plans always like this?

Interestingly weird

2004-08-24T10:24:00.000+08:00

this is getting on my nerves... why the heck do i have to retypre everything always? i'm going to save this first as a draft before publishing this... i lost my first post becuase of this.... guess i'll shorten this one cause i clearly do not have that much time to dilly-dally with finals breathing down my neck!!!
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why is it that plans always don't push through without a snag? i mean, there are so many things that could go wrong that wasn't suppose to go wrong..... i know i'm not making much sense right now, but time is running out and i need to cram my head with chem reactions, naming and whatever there is to cram.... maybe i'll elaborate next time, or maybe i won't... there just so many things a girl can do in a day....

Monday Blues

2004-08-23T10:12:00.000+08:00

it's a crammy Monday for me caus eit's the start fo finals week. that means, cramming non stop to pass chem... yeech!
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anyway, the term is nearing it's end... i just can't help wondering what's in store next term... hopefully, more time to hang out with friends, catching up with old friends, and maybe meeting the one, aside from non-stop studying, organization participation and other extracurricular activities.
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nothing much to write about at the moment... but the day is still young and something interesting might come my way, later in the day... :)

Intro to the world of one such as I

2004-08-21T02:20:00.000+08:00

Hi! This is my first time writing a blog for no apparent reason but just writing. Okay, my friends kind of introduced me to the whole deal and the first blogs I ever posted was on myspace, but then again, it's still kinda crappy...
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Today is Friday and the last week of the term before finals here in our school. i'm just lounging here in a computer lab waiting for my friend when I'm supposed to be working on my last paper of the term to be passed on Monday. Things are supposed to be busy right now, but I unfortunately can't seem to get into the tension-filled air... I'm too psyched it being the weekend and all....
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The exterior of our house is almost done and soon I'll be moving to my new room and spending my days and nights in blissful solitude in my own room.:) Don't get me wrong, I'm not antisocial or anything, I just happen to wish being alone and away from my family for awhile... can't hardly wait :)