Updates ^^

Hehehe... it has been awhile since i last posted, it's obvious how lazy I am...

Let's see, I've just started work, working on my fourth week at Bench, the clothing company/retailer of apparels... etc...

I've updated my new fic, Atashi no Koi, which I believed people who knew could very much guess plenty about it...

I'm working on another song, which I'll post once it's done...

hmm... I guess that's it for now.... hehehe.... ^^

hmm...

somehow, i feel like writing and yet nothing i want to write makes sense... i'm torn with this need to let off some of my thoughts, and yet, i couldn't quite put into words what it is that wants to break free and speak forth...

On Things and Stuff that Bothers Me

Well, i have to say a lot of things bother me, but what bothers me the most is the fact that people are afraid to be themselves. i'm not saying that i'm not one of those people because in some way i still am, but at least i'm trying my best to show others who i really am... i think the root of this fear is not being accepted by society. we've seen examples of such happenings, more in the form of men coming out of the closet to announce to the world that their gay. society had put it into our beliefs that there's only black and white and no gray areas in between, that these gray areas are met with such violent reactions that border on hostility to outright denouncement of such individuals. i believe each of us wears a mask concealing our deepest desires, thoughts, and feelings. we show the world something we believe it would find no fault in, a face that shows nothing more than a shadow of what we really are. i remember the days when i used to hide behind the shadows, being compliant, naive, and utterly speechless, a victim of bullies. but if you think about it, bullies themselves have that mask. each of us has something we want to hide to the world, i'm not denying that, but to actually have the courage to let go of that fear is something that we all seem to lack. i'm no inspirational nor motivational speaker, but i do know that despite the fact that no one would seriously take me to be the writer of such words at first glance, there are people out there willing to look beyond what they can see to the woman that i am. for others, being the center of attention is everything, and for some its the bane of their existence. others still crave to be recognize for their own endeavors, while others prefer to let others take the credit. can you look inside your soul and honestly say that you don't regret not taking credit for what is due to you? i know i did, plenty of times, because these are the opportunities that we miss out the most when we went for the modest approach because society would look upon you as arrogant. is it enough for you to know you played a part on getting someone to the top, when in truth that person doesn't serve it and would have probably missed it if you didn't do exert the needed effort so that he could take credit for your job? it's okay to be modest, but it's not okay to be taken advantage of. you are a nice person, but you're also naive if you think that that's the end of it... people had always wanted to reach the top, and when they do, they want to stay on top, and that means you'll have to continually working your butt off while these person reaps the benefit.
~*~*~*~
arrogance, defined.
arrogance had for most people meant simply of boasting, but i think it's time we put more into this definition. the purpose of boasting is to gain attention, no matter how trivial it is. on the other hand claiming credit for something you did isn't. it's getting credit where credit's due. therefore it shouldn't be consider arrogance when you claim what is rightfully yours.
~*~*~*~
i'll add more when i don't have pressing matters to attend to...

Can I Trust My Heart with You

Can I trust my heart with you?

Can you promise not to break it in two?

Can I risk getting hurt by you again?

Can I believe this is for real then?

You lied to me once before

That I can’t be entirely sure

If I open my heart to you again

Would you make me happy in anyway you can?

No one really knows

It’s something I can’t show

The love I still have for you

And how I always remained true.

It’s clear to me now

Despite my doubts

This is where I belong

The reason I held on

The time for words is over

My fears shall need to look for cover

Because I’m trusting my heart with you

Just please don’t break it in two.

Refuting the fraud-Mr. Art Bell's Article, Filipinos... makes me puke

Hahaha... I just have to re-edit this. I guess I didn't realize that I made a lot of grammatical and typographical errors because I was so pissed off...
anyway, it's the same stuff, just grammatically better.

~*~*~


I'm not sure if anyone had seen or read the article I'm referring to, but for those who missed it, I'll post it for your convenience and to refresh the memories of those who managed to read it...



~*~*~

Filipinos.....*make me puke* (Art Bell)

As we've all come to notice, in the past few decades, Filipinos have begun to infest the United States like some sort of disease. Their extensive involvement in the U.S. Armed Forces is proof of the trashy kind of qualities all Filipinos tend to exhibit on a regular basis. You can see this clearly by studying the attitudes and cultural Icons of most Filipino Americans.

Origins of Pinoys/Pinays:


Are they really Asian? Well we've come to accept the fact the Filipinos come from a part of the world known as South East Asia. But the term "Asia" is used in the wrong way. You may notice that contemporary Filipino Americans try very hard to associate themselves with groups that we know as Asian. I cannot count the number of times I have seen a 'Third World' Filipino try to connect themselves to the Chinese or Japanese people. There is no connection and here's why. The Philippines is a Third World country. Nothing respectable has EVER been created by Filipino people during our entire human history. Young Filipino men in America have become obsessed with "import racing". They have an enormously perverted affection for Japanese cars. It's a common phenomenon. In their minds, these Filipinos somehow believe that they are Asian and that it somehow connects them to Japanese people and Japanese cars. They often take credit for the ingenuity of Japanese people and say how it's an "Asian thing". This term..."Asian thing" derived directly from African American slang "blackthang". "It's a black thang." "It's an asian thang." You can see the connection. It's even funnier that, in Japan, Filipinos are heavily discriminated against. The only filipinos that can live successfully in Japan are the filipino prostitutes. But that's the case for most Filipino people no matter where they live in the world. Now we've come down to this fact...and it is a fact.

Nothing in Filipino Culture can be seen as Asian. They have no architectural, artistic, or cultural influence which is in ANY way, asian. Thinking of the great countries in Asia such as Japan, Korea, and China there is no way you can possibly connect the Philippine Islands. This assault by filipino americans to connect themselves with the great peoples of North East Asia is foul and disgusting. Try visiting a young filipino's web site too. You'll see something called the "Asian IRC Ring". It has to do with the chatrooms. The most horrible thing about this is that these TRASHY people are trying to associate themselves with Asia again!! People in Asia don't act like, this at all. What we are seeing here is the natural Filipino in it's element with full access to technology and this is how they act! You will consistently see this behavior over and over again.

Another interesting thing is that these "thirdworld" people also frequent RC chatrooms such as #chinese #japan and #asian. They must believe that they are some how related racially or culturally to North Asians. But it's completely WRONG! There might have been some distant contact With China and even less with Japan during World War II, but these people are actually more closely related to African americans and Mexican americans.


Do the parents of these young filipinos know what's going on? Would they accept this? I believe that they would and do. This is the natural "Trash" element in filipinos manifesting itself. Nothing good has ever come from Philippines and I don't believe anything good ever will.


Recognizing your Roots (A Message to Filipinos)

To all filipino people:
Please recognize your ROOTS! You come from the Third World! You country is a disgusting and filthy place. Most people there live in poverty! Your culture has MUCH MORE SPANISH influence than chinese, and absolutely no JAPANESE influence whatsoever. People in Japan and China, do not act like you. They do not constantly talk about sex and they have a MUCH HIGHER level of RESPECT for each other. There is NO WAY that you can connect yourself to Asia other than location. Your culture and technological advancement does not even come CLOSE to What Chinese, people have done in the past and what Japanese and Korean people are doing now! Everything you do is distinctly filipino. You cannot take credit for Japanese cars, video games, or Hentai! It's not an "asian thing" it's, an "American thing". You have no concept of culture...no concept of asian ideas or asian philosophy! Can you demonstrate how you use Confucianism or Taoism in you everyday life?? You can't. And you will NEVER be able to. I understand that you are trying to create an identity for yourselves as young people... but it is NOT related to Asia.


Your Identity is Filipino. That's all you are. Just Filipino. Think about what that means....

Sincerely,

Art

~*~*~

In relation to what I am about to say, I ask you all to bear in mind that the one behind this Hate mail was not the real Art Bell, rather someone mindful of the attention associated with the name to use it as his/her pseudonym in showing his/her ignomity.

It must be said that this had circulated several months ago through e-mail, if I remember correctly, and it is due to my heavy schedule that I had not been able to place my own response to this outright libel.

A person who forgets to look at his own roots before degrading another is like a wannabe star badmouthing his/her rival. I don't believe anyone has a right to call another race "thrash" and degrade them to nothing more than a speck of dust. I ask you now, if an American says Filipinos are trashy because they have no real culture, but only cultures from the invading forces that had dominated the Philippines for more than 3 centuries, then wouldn't it be just fair if the Filipinos called these Americans British or English "trash" as well since it had been apparently clear in American history that these so-called White Americans had been nothing more than society outcasts and their families who left England or Britain to settle in the continent they had dubbed the "New World" away from the stifling English society where First-Born males were given the highest priority? Of course Filipinos could do that, but that would mean stooping to their level of thrash talk.

Anyone who's familiar with Philippine history would firmly state that this person made the mistake of saying that Filipinos don't have a culture when in fact, we do. Way before the Spanish vessel had first landed on our archipelago, we had our own rich culture that had sadly been replaced with another. Long before the Spanish unified the archipelago with their conquest for the "sake of religion", Filipinos had been living a peaceful life. They had their own form of primitive government where a datu ruled a town or barrio, the society had been egalitarian, meaning women had been given equal rights as men, their own concept of art, as could be deduced from the painted, or tattooed bodies that had been considered their own label of fashion, and the instruments they had developed for music. Moreover, these primitive ancestors had been able to build their own home using the resources available at their disposal, living in harmony with nature.

The Spanish had been a colorful historical landmark in the sense they had changed the Philippines as the first Filipinos had known it. Roads had been flattened and became cobbled, buildings and structures using stones had been erected, rails had been placed on the windows and heavy clothing replaced the clothes that had been designed for our climate. Anito worship had been replaced with a half-understood Christianity, women had been cast away from their positions as equals of men and been reduced to a place of hearth and home, banned from getting a proper education that includes Mathematics and Science. The natives had been made to feel inferior, because of their hospitality, they had been believed to be nothing more than eager to serve others, that the Spanish had fashioned themselves to be lords, someone that had not seen the handle of a broom or a walis-tingting. Forced into inferiority by these White Europeans, the Philippines had been treated nothing more than a vacation place a rich aristocrat or elite might have on the shores of some lake in the country, away from the heavy bustle of city life. If you think about it, the corrupt Spaniards had introduced the concept of graft and corruption in the first place, as well as other vices that had plaqued our nation at the moment. I am not blaming the Spaniards of today since they had not done anything to warrant any blame on their part. I'm talking about the past, and I'm not entirely saying that the Spanish invasion had not been beneficial in some ways.

The Americans had done a better job, but sad to say had left a trait that had been the downfall of many a business in the country. I am referring to the fact that most Filipinos believed our goods to be inferior to that of the Americans, the so-called "colonial mentality". They had been conditioned in the belief that as long that it's imported, it's of good quality. What a lot of these people don't realize is that the labor of some of these "imported" goods had been done by their own countrymen as well.

The Japanese occupation had been one unforgetable event in our long history. It had been filled with oppression and an air of despair and hopelessness, and yet the courageous among our people had dared to stand up against them despite the lack of support by the Americans. Who's to say that we owe our courage to our conquerors when in fact it had been ingrained within us way before the Spaniards had first laid their eyes on our shores?

Now that we've recounted some highlights of the history of our people, I believe it just follows that we bring to light some of the values and traits that had already been incorporated in our brief historical discussion. I don't think we owe to any conqueror our courage, nor our artistic inclinations during the pre-Spanish period. It should be noted that the Filipinos are naturally hospitable and resourceful. Moreover, we value the concept of bayanihan, the collective effort of helping a fellowmen. How many countries can boast of having a trait such as this?

I would also like to ask this person if he had any idea at all of the architectural structures Filipinos had erected during the Pre-Spanish period. Sure, we do not have similar architectural structures such that could be seen in countries such as Japan with their tatami mats and shoji screen, China with their tiled roof, but it must be put into consideration the fact that our country is located further south than these two, nearer the equator, and therefore experiencing a different climate. Houses made out of rock takes a lot work and our ingenious people had managed to make their homes not out of rocks, but out of the bamboos that were abundant in resources. Because of our climate, houses made of bamboos made it a lot cooler during the summer months and having a raised floor protects it from the flood in the monsoon season. If you're still unclear to what I am referring to, I am talking about our national house, the Bahay Kubo.

What is wrong by calling ourselves Asian, because we truly are Asian? We are not Asian based on geography alone, we share values with other Asian culture that this person knows nothing about. We are, as I said before a hybrid of different cultures, a melting pot of various origins both from Asia and other continents. Yet, despite the influences of Western countries with their suspicious outlook in life and individualistic lifestyle, we Asians had always stuck together, we all share the collectivistic view on society. Each Asian could find something that would connect him to his continent in whole world, so why would someone begrudge any Asian to seek out its roots? If this person feels so strongly against Asians, Filipinos in particular, why would he need to write this under someone else's name? It only further strengthens my belief that he had no idea what he was talking about. Rizal wasn't a coward, nor was Balagtas when they decided to write against the Spanish colonial authority in the Philippines during that time, so why would this be any different?

I have to say I am disgusted that this person feels that it is a shame to be a member of a "Third World" country. We might not be technologically advance, but being looked down upon by one as ignorant as this person appears to be is enough to make any country under the so-called "Third World" banner furious. He must try to get his facts straight because as far as any educated women and men are concerned, the Filipinos had contributed a number of important things to the world. The invention of Khaos wasn't made by an American, and in case for those who had no idea of what this gadget is for, let me enlighten you. Khaos is a gadget that allows car owners to save on gas by almost 50% and it's a really timely invention since oil isn't exactly an unlimited resource. Is this person even aware that the Filipinos discovered the beneficial uses of virgin coconut oil? Or what about the medicine for the foot and mouth disease? Erythromycin was discovered by Dr. Abelardo Aguilar, Agapito Flores designed the flourescent lamp that we used today, even the former American President Bill Clinton had entrusted his health to Dr. Eleanor "Connie" Concepcion Mariano, a Filipina doctor that even became the youngest captain in the US navy. And who could forget the disaster that a Filipino had created with his "ILOVEYOU" bug? Jose Rizal was a genius in his own right, being able to write at the age of two, growing up and becoming a lot more than an opthalmologist. He was a writer, a painter, a sculptor and a teacher. And besides that, he had learned to speak 20 languages, not an easy feat for anyone. So how could this person just state that nothing good or important had ever come from our shores? He needs to investigate more and he might just find that a Filipino had been behind the special effects used in his favorite movie, a Filipino engineer had built his computer, there are so many things nameless Filipinos had contributed to society and to degrade a people into nothing more than a labor machine of no importance is very pathetic.

I would further like to point out that we do not constantly talk about sex and being liberal with that term had been the cause of your influence. Our people used to be a conservative nation, in some respects it is still is, however to accuse of thinking nothing more than sex twenty-four seven reveals the fact that you are indeed in an insecure position. There is nothing entirely wrong of talking and exchanging information about sex, since it is not a taboo term. Furthermore, being open about such an issue lessens the chances of putting it to practice without prior knowledge, such that had befell India with its high-rate of AIDS-afflicted individuals due to lack of responsible sex education.

Another thing, there's a reason we are called the only Catholic country in Asia, cause the majority of our people are Catholics. So why does this person have to ask us about applying Confucianism or Taoism in our everyday life? You don't see me asking a person from another country that question because it is irrelevant. Not all Asians are Buddhist or Taoist for your information.

Whatever this person understands, it is not that we are trying to find an identity for ourselves, because every individual goes through that stage. As a people, we already have an identity so why should we seek out something more? The only thing we are looking for is who we truly are as a person, in case identity crisis is too technical a term for this person. Psychologists know this, and even laymen understands this concept so how about this person, is he open-minded enough to realize that?

This person had ended his essay saying we should think about it, being a Filipino I mean. And that must be the only part I agree with him wholeheartedly. True, I am just a Filipino, and I'm proud of being called one. I am not a Filipino by blood, but I am born a Filipino, a Filipino that could make a name for myself, even in a small scale, through the traits that each Filipino had learned to acquire, the perseverance to succeed.

:) oh happy days...

Okay, maybe i shouldn't be too happy about life at the moment, i'm in danger of failing eco, but somehow, that doesn't really seem to faze me much... must because finally, i've met my half-brother and i have to say it felt like i've known him my whole life. i wished i'm spending time with him right now, but hey, i can't exactly bail out on our thesis proposal and i do want to graduate come october... i guess i just wanted to share to the world the happiness that's bubbling up within me... anyway, i better get back to writing that darn thesis...

Don't Come Running Back To Me

Don't Come Running Back To Me

I've cried so much

Since you went away

And now you're back

Saying you're here to stay

Been caught up

In the changing times

I have to wonder

What's on your mind

(Cause) I don't want to cry

I don't want to scream

I'm so confused

Don't know what to do

If you're not true

Don't come running back to me... yeah...

I don't want to hurt

I don't want this pain

It's driving me

Insane

If you're not true

Then don't come running back

Running back to me

It's been a while

Since we last talk

Didn't have a chance

To know what went wrong

And now you're here

Saying you want me back

But how can we

When trust is what we lack...

*~*~*~*~*

Basically, i'm still not through with this song... i'm working on the bridge...

%-(

Confusion

I don't want to cry no more

Don't want to hurt no any more

Been down that road before

Don't want to go back for more

You came and left me

Sitting down, my heart in pain

You never looked back

You never really cared

And now you're back again

Waiting to pick up what's left

I wonder if there's any piece left

To be broken when you leave

I can't seem to shake the feeling

You want only one thing from me

You could care less if I lose heart

As long as no harm come to my part

It's always been like this with you

And I wonder if you've ever been true

You go through this women

And yet tell me you want to come back

I don't understand you

Don't even know if I want to

But if you're serious this time around

Pursue me and i might come around

Nothing Really

Well, i'm back on my feet and raring to get back into the swell of things... being confined in the hospital is not a good idea with a scammer on the loose and scamming my friends using my ym account.... not to mention all of the lectures and lessons i missed... well, anyway, i've got to make-up for everything so despite unexpected distractions in my life right now, i can't afford to sit back and make pretty...

Turning 20

okay, i turned 20 yesterday and i still had not done the promised recap of the whole term... but let's make it the whole year...
~*~*~*~*~*~
there might be lapses in my memory, but still i'm going to write what i can...

let's see...

* spent a term in batangas for almost a week...

* experienced my first failure in college

* realized i'm not in love

* waited to see if the fortune-teller was right (she's not, unless i did something that had altered my future

* found myself feeling unwanted attraction to another guy

* managed to get accepted to rice mag

* been doing well with managing the bulletin board

* made a few more close friends

* been writing a new novel

* been getting wonderful reviews but i'm still not through with it despite my first goal to finish it in time for christmas... i'm still in chapter 18.... can't say how long it'll be... >.<

* passed my failed course the second time around

* passed my scary embryo class as well

~*~*~*~*~
hmmm... i think that's about it.... or at least that's what i could remember at the top of my head...

wonder if this year i'll find someone to love.....

Another Hell Weel Ahead

i guess now would be the time to push the panic button... i'm swamped with work and i could still laugh about it, for the moment anyway... but i've got to work extra hard cause i'm sure this week would be another week of countless pressures and stresses and the second term winds down to an end... come to think about it, i might just write something like summary of my second term after it ends... as for now, got to get back to work...

Hell Week and Happy Stuffs

at least it was last week... talk about not getting enough sleep...... i mean i went to bed at 4 am last monday, 11 at tuesday, 2 am on wednesday and around 11 on thursday and they woke me up at 6 am in the mornings.... well, a lot of things happened last week but i rather not divulged into much detail....
~*~*~*~*~*~
well, on the good side of things, i managed to put up the bulletin board and it looked so cute. got a few more chapters done and got more inspiring reviews to steam me ahead, but i'll have to find time for it as quizzes are railing their way...
~*~*~*~*~*~
i really want to give those people responsible for a lot more work for us a piece of my mind.... i mean because of them, we have a lot more stuff to do than we already have.... they're lucky they're not as busy as the rest of us are... on top of school work, we have extracurricular activities that require our attentions as well... i really wished they had been a silent bunch from the first time we had embryo class.. grr..........

Honto ni Ureshi desu

i've received three good review for my new story and i can't help bu inform the whole world who reads my blog...
i'm not that good a writer yet, but i'm happy that people appreciate my hard work... i'll have to try to work faster and come up with good storylines for next time, but first things first, i've got to finish this one or i won't be able to give my friends, well mostly girls, a copy of it as their christmas gifts... for the guys, i;ve still got to think about something else... i can't really pciture them reading a story like that... so.... hehehe i'm so excited... i'm all fired up... but i still need to go to bed soon for i;ve still got classes to attend, bulletin board to put up... and whatnot... got to finish chapter 4 tomorrow... and maybe even start on chapter 5.... wah!!! i;ve already told peachy how it's going to end.... but got to work on the body still........ sigh......... i'm going to bed a happy woman... hehehe.... :)
~*~*~*~*~*~
oh, if anyone's interested to read it.... here's the link, although i'm not sure if i'm allowed to leave links in my blog...
so sleepy... (--.)zzzZZZ
www.fictionpress.com/~sakurajen
just look for one who gets three reviews and three chapters long, for the moment anyway.... hehehe

Anger

i feel it inside,

writhing,

waiting,

for a chance to strike.

it coiled up so tightly,

its eyes ever staring,

her jaws at ready,

for that one chance.

to bite down an enemy,

it would choose not,

for it had built up so long,

it would bite though it be wrong.

the time is ticking,

i wonder how long i'll last

to hold back a chain

so long had stayed fast.

my grasp might be slipping

for all i know,

and still i wait,

fretting even more.

like a volcano it shall burst forth,

outcome unknown,

but my heart yearns release,

from the snake coiled within.

a simple trigger might cause it to blow

and all the anger shall flow,

but would it be enough,

to soothe one's wounded heart?

^^

Today I saw a friend,

One I had not seen for awhile,

He looked well,

And I am glad,

For he had truly worked hard.

He must be busy,

As I myself am,

But I can't help wishing,

That someday soon,

We'll both be able to catch up.

Friends had come and go,

For we're all in different places,

But the friendship remains strong,

Across distances apart,

For the bonds shall remain long,

Till days had passed,

And I had breathed my last.

Welcoming In November

well, a month remains

before the coming day,

gifts are thought about,

and money had been well-saved.

canvassing had begun

as the season draws near,

toys and clothes aplenty,

books and bags galore.

letters had been thought about,

composed throughout the day,

to be written on christmas cards,

to be given on that special day.

~*~*~*~*~

october had come and gone,

and here i still stand.

alone and without love,

i continually plow ahead.

no star to guide my path,

as the wind tries to hold me back.

though love may not be here today,

i'll find it in any possible way.

christmas is due to come,

and mayhap my chance for love.

though it might not be so,

i'll still wait and see

if that someone

might even be looking for me.

alone i remained to this day,
yet not a tear shall fall today,

for the future is full of possibilites,

it makes no sense to give in to depressive thoughts.

the ice of novemeber might bring me cold,

without anyone to cuddle and hold,

but december might bring me something new,

mayhap in a person called you. :)

Longing

I longed for you,

As the sky turned blue.

Tears began to fall,

How I wished you would call.

In the midst of my despair,

I wondered if you care.

The beauty of dawn had lost its light,

For my soul had gone lost in the night.

The loneliness that had held me so,

Can't be chase away by the star's warm glow.

I stand here all alone,

True love I had never known.

The Sun is up for the whole world to see,

And here I am, wond'ring if you'll ever notice me.

Hehehe... =)

Well, i went to sleep last night around 1 am, that's a rarity... that was the first time i had a real time conversation with ryan... he's a friend i met on myspace... he lives way over there in cebu... :)
~*~*~
well... i forgot to add last night that this really cute guy i met the day before was actually the model brother of my sister's highschool batchmate.... could you believed what a small world it really is? -.~
~*~*~
well, anyways.... i did more lazying than i should...
got to get myself to start working on stuffs i put on hold.... like finishing the stroy i'm goona give my friends for christmas, finishing another portrait drawing of dinah, starting on the bulletin board designs for this month, and maybe cracking some books... i hate studying... -_-

TGIF

Well, as can be expected, i lost the contest... well, actually, i was the only one who really didn't think i win, so it was the people around me who got disappointed, but then again, life goes on. :)
~*~*~
well, i really didn't expect a lot of things on that day... peach was able to make it cause their meeting was cancelled... nova was also there and sean too. kevin, paola and tina were also there along with some other LaPiStas.... i was happy in some way, but then again, i can't help but think that maybe if i got over my stage fright, i might even have done a better job... but as it stand, i made a little mess of my performance... but... i wouldn't let that stop me from doing something similar again in the future. :) despite the fact that i might never win anything, being able to keep on trying, i might even be able to get over my stage-fright... now that's a good thing... :) anyway, i had fun, even though i was a nervous wreck that day, feeling like puking, shivering, breaking into cold sweat and hyperventilating... that's me :P hehehe... anyway, it's the weekend and i do hope i get to catch up on my sleep and maybe laze around a little... oh... busy busy busy.... :)

The Night Before

Okay, i'm getting a lot of butterflies in my tummy right about now... i just found out i'll be the fifth one on that stage tomorrow and self-defeating thoughts are beginning to cloud my mind, interfering with my practice and i'm getting myself worked up into some form of panic and i know i have to stop that from happening... i had to remind myself that this was something i had dreamed of doing before... of reaching out for something i had always wanted but had never been courageous enough to pursue.... ryan had once told me to seize every opportunity i see, and i guess i took that to heart. yola, kath, nova, nicole and a lot more wouldn't be able to make it to offer their support because they have to attend talks and meetings.... peachy has to go to a meeting but she'll try to make it, and i do hope she does, same as carlo, i do hope he'll be able to make it as well.... they will be my pillar of support, to keep me from backing out, from hiding behind the shell of my insecurities... too deeply had i hid this weakness within my heart that it's pretty amusing to find people surprised that despite my confident exterior, i am nothing more than a normal woman with normal insecurities... guess that's my edge... i can never really show how scared i am, nor speak how i truly feel when the object of my emotions is there in front of me... a blessing and a curse, a two-edged sword that is similar to loving and falling in love with one you wished to have but afraid to reach out for... but i do hope that my life doesn't forever play like a broken record... maybe this might be the first step in actually overcoming something within myself, who knows.... but i do know one thing, I NEED TO PRACTICE MORE!!!!! X