Monday, October 12, 2009
To Continue or Not
Okay. Maybe blogging isn't really for me, but I do plan to try something else this time around. I'll keep this one, just for the sake I still have a personal blog, but I think I'll try my hand at writing a blog that's so not about me and my personal life. Who knows, I might actually be pretty good at what I want to try.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
PTCs
UPDATE: Now including Payment Proofs!
Basically, PTC stands for Pay to Click. There are many sites in the web that pays you for spending about 5 - 60 seconds per site. I'm affiliated with a number of them, ranging from 0.0025 USD to 10 USD per click.
The first thing you need to do is register for a Paypal and/or AlertPay account. Easy and free. Although I rather go for Paypal exclusive.
Just click on the banner to be transported to the page of Neobux. A lot of people says that its the best site for beginners. As a free member, you only have 4 ads to click a day @ 0.01 USD. Once you've earned 2.00 USD, you can withdraw this to your Paypal or AlertPay account. Of course, you get paid more if you upgrade to gold. Which, not really advisable unless you've already earned, and just simply wants to earn more. Once logged in, simply click on the view advertisment. You will then be directed to a page that shows a list. Click each ad one at a time. The ad will be in a pop-up. On top of each ad is a counter, this differ from site to site, but for Neobux, it is simply a bar. Once the advertisement has been accounted, you can click on the next ad, and so on and so forth.
In summary:
PTC = USD 0.01
Payout = USD 2.00
Account = AlertPay or Paypal
Upgrade = Golden membership
requirement:
* Have clicked at least 50 ads
* Have at least rented referrals twice
* Have been a registered user for at least 15 days
FJPTC
This is a relatively new site, therefore, has one of the cheapest premium membership around @ USD 2.00 (In other words, this is my only premium account - It's less than Php 100). Minimum of 4 ads per day for free members and the price varies for each from 0.0025 USD to 0.01 USD. Pay-out is @ USD 1.25. For this type of ads, there will be a countdown for each ad, afterwards, it will ask you to click the number that appears. There will be 4 numbers to choose from. This, I believe, is a system a number of PTCs adopted to avoid the occurence of auto-click scripts. But as previously mentioned, one ad @ a time.
In summary:
PTC = USD 0.0025 - 0.01
Payout = USD 1.25 (for premium, I bet higher for not :p)
Account = AlertPay and/or Paypal
Upgrade = Premium
requirement: Lifetime premium membership @ USD 2.00
Payment proofs:
First Payment:
Second Payment:
There! Hehehe! Of course, getting referrals help you earn faster. Once registered, you're going to have your own referral code. And if you registered without any referral, you will be assigned one. You can check out more about the upgrades once you've registered as well.
Basically, PTC stands for Pay to Click. There are many sites in the web that pays you for spending about 5 - 60 seconds per site. I'm affiliated with a number of them, ranging from 0.0025 USD to 10 USD per click.
The first thing you need to do is register for a Paypal and/or AlertPay account. Easy and free. Although I rather go for Paypal exclusive.
Just click on the banner to be transported to the page of Neobux. A lot of people says that its the best site for beginners. As a free member, you only have 4 ads to click a day @ 0.01 USD. Once you've earned 2.00 USD, you can withdraw this to your Paypal or AlertPay account. Of course, you get paid more if you upgrade to gold. Which, not really advisable unless you've already earned, and just simply wants to earn more. Once logged in, simply click on the view advertisment. You will then be directed to a page that shows a list. Click each ad one at a time. The ad will be in a pop-up. On top of each ad is a counter, this differ from site to site, but for Neobux, it is simply a bar. Once the advertisement has been accounted, you can click on the next ad, and so on and so forth.
In summary:
PTC = USD 0.01
Payout = USD 2.00
Account = AlertPay or Paypal
Upgrade = Golden membership
requirement:
* Have clicked at least 50 ads
* Have at least rented referrals twice
* Have been a registered user for at least 15 days
FJPTC
This is a relatively new site, therefore, has one of the cheapest premium membership around @ USD 2.00 (In other words, this is my only premium account - It's less than Php 100). Minimum of 4 ads per day for free members and the price varies for each from 0.0025 USD to 0.01 USD. Pay-out is @ USD 1.25. For this type of ads, there will be a countdown for each ad, afterwards, it will ask you to click the number that appears. There will be 4 numbers to choose from. This, I believe, is a system a number of PTCs adopted to avoid the occurence of auto-click scripts. But as previously mentioned, one ad @ a time.
In summary:
PTC = USD 0.0025 - 0.01
Payout = USD 1.25 (for premium, I bet higher for not :p)
Account = AlertPay and/or Paypal
Upgrade = Premium
requirement: Lifetime premium membership @ USD 2.00
Payment proofs:
First Payment:
Second Payment:
There! Hehehe! Of course, getting referrals help you earn faster. Once registered, you're going to have your own referral code. And if you registered without any referral, you will be assigned one. You can check out more about the upgrades once you've registered as well.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Ted Failon Fiasco
Okay, so maybe this isn't exactly a promising post but there are way too many camps pointing fingers that I can't help but have my own ideas on the following scenarios. So, bear with me if you will, not that I expect anyone to visit and read after my erratic activities in this blog.
First of, the wife was acting before the incident is a clear indication that she's suffering from a lot of stress, and becoming suicidal can be a by-product of the stress. I would also like to point out the fact that she has a witness when she wrote the note, her sister Pam in fact. As for calls, the housemaids are aware of that since they were the ones who answered the phone on occasion. As for the gun shot, even the police admitted that the gun used emits only a small sound, and it being shot inside a locked bathroom no less would cause the small sound to be muffled.
The second thing we should all take notice of is Ted Failon's reaction. It is normal for someone to go into a state of shock, and at times feel disconnected and disoriented. He acted at what he saw to be the immediate concern. That was taking his still breathing wife to the hospital as soon as possible. Nobody can fault him for dealing with his bleeding and dying wife first, and returning for his youngest daughter at a later time. His refusal to let the investigators inside the master's bedroom, whereas they were allowed to view the crime scene can also be understood as reluctance to let the public in on his private the domain, being a private person despite his media job that puts him in the public's eye. The fact that he returned to his home aka scene of the crime, after ensuring that his wife is being taken care of, and there is nothing left for him to do except wait, is also a natural behavior. Having assured himself that his wife is in the best hands, he went back to be with his daughter who had witnessed the blood-drenched body of her mother. As for the heart to heart talk that allegedly happen in the master's bedroom at the arrival of his eldest daughter, it can be chalked up as the news anchorman needing the privacy of his room to let his grief spilt through within the comfort of his daughter.
Third, allegations of cleaning the scene of crime of blood, though should be frowned upon at best, it should not come as a surprise as it is the house help's job to clean. And the act was further hastened by the presence of a minor, no less than the youngest daughter at the scene of the crime. As for refusing to talk, was it not within the rights of the people to remain silent? Not to mention that it is always advisable to have a legal counsel present at any such given time.
Fourth, charging everyone with obstruction of justice is not a valid reason to manhandle people! Seriously, it would seem that they are using the alleged charge to boss people around and further sensationalize a death that is tragic and should be given its due respect. What the police had done was basically a violation of the rights of the people involved since they are allowed to invite people down to the station, not manhandle and force them to go. Again, using tactics such as bluffing accusations to the sister of the victim at the time wherein she is under shock is so inhumane. I know its their job to investigate, but unless the suspect is indeed the criminal, forcing words into their mouth would not result in something good, or in this case, a huge human rights violation. A true criminal would be very calculated in its reply and reactions, and based on accounts and TV coverage, Pam is anything but the victim's sister. Same to Ted Failon.
Fifth, alleged blood stains in other rooms aside from the scene of the crime could actually happen because of people whose hands got drenched in the blood while they are making a rescue effort for the victim. There are a lot of possibilities, but the police seems to be more intent on pining the blame on someone, and it seemed pretty clear to a lot of people who they want to blame. Its not rocket science that Ted is a very outspoken man about his beliefs and his denunciation of the way police handle themselves.
Sixth, Ted didn't touch the gun first after it was shot. The house boy did. He placed it on the couple's dresser when they cleaned up the bathroom, and it was there that Ted got it to hand over to the police. And next thing you'd know, they're going to reiterate he handed it to them sans any protective cloth to avoid fingerprint contamination. Dude, he's not an impartial expectator here, he's the victim's husband! Get a clue! Besides, the gun was licensed and owned by the family, and its not like its their habit to clean the gun on a regular basis prior to safekeeping, so duh, the gun will have fingerprints of both Ted, his wife, and whoever sold them the gun, plus, the houseboy who picked it up when he cleaned the bathroom.
I think I exhausted my train of thought for the moment. But if I thought of anything more to add, I'll make it a point to log-in and post in the future.
First of, the wife was acting before the incident is a clear indication that she's suffering from a lot of stress, and becoming suicidal can be a by-product of the stress. I would also like to point out the fact that she has a witness when she wrote the note, her sister Pam in fact. As for calls, the housemaids are aware of that since they were the ones who answered the phone on occasion. As for the gun shot, even the police admitted that the gun used emits only a small sound, and it being shot inside a locked bathroom no less would cause the small sound to be muffled.
The second thing we should all take notice of is Ted Failon's reaction. It is normal for someone to go into a state of shock, and at times feel disconnected and disoriented. He acted at what he saw to be the immediate concern. That was taking his still breathing wife to the hospital as soon as possible. Nobody can fault him for dealing with his bleeding and dying wife first, and returning for his youngest daughter at a later time. His refusal to let the investigators inside the master's bedroom, whereas they were allowed to view the crime scene can also be understood as reluctance to let the public in on his private the domain, being a private person despite his media job that puts him in the public's eye. The fact that he returned to his home aka scene of the crime, after ensuring that his wife is being taken care of, and there is nothing left for him to do except wait, is also a natural behavior. Having assured himself that his wife is in the best hands, he went back to be with his daughter who had witnessed the blood-drenched body of her mother. As for the heart to heart talk that allegedly happen in the master's bedroom at the arrival of his eldest daughter, it can be chalked up as the news anchorman needing the privacy of his room to let his grief spilt through within the comfort of his daughter.
Third, allegations of cleaning the scene of crime of blood, though should be frowned upon at best, it should not come as a surprise as it is the house help's job to clean. And the act was further hastened by the presence of a minor, no less than the youngest daughter at the scene of the crime. As for refusing to talk, was it not within the rights of the people to remain silent? Not to mention that it is always advisable to have a legal counsel present at any such given time.
Fourth, charging everyone with obstruction of justice is not a valid reason to manhandle people! Seriously, it would seem that they are using the alleged charge to boss people around and further sensationalize a death that is tragic and should be given its due respect. What the police had done was basically a violation of the rights of the people involved since they are allowed to invite people down to the station, not manhandle and force them to go. Again, using tactics such as bluffing accusations to the sister of the victim at the time wherein she is under shock is so inhumane. I know its their job to investigate, but unless the suspect is indeed the criminal, forcing words into their mouth would not result in something good, or in this case, a huge human rights violation. A true criminal would be very calculated in its reply and reactions, and based on accounts and TV coverage, Pam is anything but the victim's sister. Same to Ted Failon.
Fifth, alleged blood stains in other rooms aside from the scene of the crime could actually happen because of people whose hands got drenched in the blood while they are making a rescue effort for the victim. There are a lot of possibilities, but the police seems to be more intent on pining the blame on someone, and it seemed pretty clear to a lot of people who they want to blame. Its not rocket science that Ted is a very outspoken man about his beliefs and his denunciation of the way police handle themselves.
Sixth, Ted didn't touch the gun first after it was shot. The house boy did. He placed it on the couple's dresser when they cleaned up the bathroom, and it was there that Ted got it to hand over to the police. And next thing you'd know, they're going to reiterate he handed it to them sans any protective cloth to avoid fingerprint contamination. Dude, he's not an impartial expectator here, he's the victim's husband! Get a clue! Besides, the gun was licensed and owned by the family, and its not like its their habit to clean the gun on a regular basis prior to safekeeping, so duh, the gun will have fingerprints of both Ted, his wife, and whoever sold them the gun, plus, the houseboy who picked it up when he cleaned the bathroom.
I think I exhausted my train of thought for the moment. But if I thought of anything more to add, I'll make it a point to log-in and post in the future.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Ramblings
Somebody told me today that I have a lot of guilt and anger in me... and I know for a fact he's right... so he suggested I write down everything I feel...
So here goes nothing....
I feel under appreciated... not because I think too highly of myself, but because I am asked to do a lot of things with hardly any compensation... I am tired to say the least, tired of being the bigger person, of continuing to discipline myself, to be the perfect everything... to be the selfless woman of the world, to be the nurturer, the one to wish for a reality that cannot happen... I am tired of being helpless, of feeling guilt and anger of being helpless, of not being given the choice that is my right... of the external factors that are out my control... I am simply one who wants to make a difference in the world for the benefit of humanity... and I am tired of always being responsible...
and yet, despite this tiredness that settled unto me, I am unable to walk away... I am strong believer of order, and I am too much an idealist to let things simply as they are... true, I cannot save a soul... I am not the Lord... but I wish somehow I can save even one... cause I still believe that we are all in this Earth for a reason, and that's to help others...
I am torn with doing my social duty, and being selfish... I am unable to give up the former, in favor of the latter... maybe I am simply scared to know who is the girl inside me when all inhibitions are gone?
So here goes nothing....
I feel under appreciated... not because I think too highly of myself, but because I am asked to do a lot of things with hardly any compensation... I am tired to say the least, tired of being the bigger person, of continuing to discipline myself, to be the perfect everything... to be the selfless woman of the world, to be the nurturer, the one to wish for a reality that cannot happen... I am tired of being helpless, of feeling guilt and anger of being helpless, of not being given the choice that is my right... of the external factors that are out my control... I am simply one who wants to make a difference in the world for the benefit of humanity... and I am tired of always being responsible...
and yet, despite this tiredness that settled unto me, I am unable to walk away... I am strong believer of order, and I am too much an idealist to let things simply as they are... true, I cannot save a soul... I am not the Lord... but I wish somehow I can save even one... cause I still believe that we are all in this Earth for a reason, and that's to help others...
I am torn with doing my social duty, and being selfish... I am unable to give up the former, in favor of the latter... maybe I am simply scared to know who is the girl inside me when all inhibitions are gone?
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Words 2
There are days like these that makes me realize I am doing something good in my life, that in some way, I had managed to share the things I've learned and inspire others to be better individuals. The feeling that having people appreciate you for who you are is far more overwhelming than being honored for an academic achievement, since what you were able to accomplish is not something seen and read, but something that had become the source of change and improvement in the outlook, if not the quality, of someone's life. I guess a part of me always dreamed of being an inspiration to others, a role model if possible, not because I think I'm perfect, or anything close to that, but rather that there's so much I can and willing to share, and its all up to you to figure out if I make sense or not. After all, I do tend to be defiant and definitely a nonconformist, preferring to just do what I feel is right. :P
Monday, February 04, 2008
Words
There are times I wonder how is it that our mind is troubled still when we had already made a choice some time in the past. Are we meant to forever eat our words and grope around for a new way to incorporate the events that plowed right through us? If that is so, then I am at a lost for the moment.
I had tread around and made my choice, and yet, it now feels that I have spoken too soon, made my decision at a time when I am in a state of mind, for now I am face with conflict that I had not foreseen. I do not lead a planned life, however at most circumstances, I am able to be decisive.
But what had changed within me? How come I find myself at a loss to explain this feeling of uncertainty? How is it that I am unable to determine which road to take when it was clear to me awhile back? Was it the situation I find myself in? Was it the war between fear of the unknown and the adventurous desire to seek out new experiences?
I am horribly and dreadfully lost, and I can only hope that I will make the right choice when the time is ripe.
I had tread around and made my choice, and yet, it now feels that I have spoken too soon, made my decision at a time when I am in a state of mind, for now I am face with conflict that I had not foreseen. I do not lead a planned life, however at most circumstances, I am able to be decisive.
But what had changed within me? How come I find myself at a loss to explain this feeling of uncertainty? How is it that I am unable to determine which road to take when it was clear to me awhile back? Was it the situation I find myself in? Was it the war between fear of the unknown and the adventurous desire to seek out new experiences?
I am horribly and dreadfully lost, and I can only hope that I will make the right choice when the time is ripe.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A sweet bday gift
This must be one of the sweetest gifts I received to date.
Ryan gave me this on my bday, well, technically, a few days late, but truly appreciated. ^^
Eventful 2008
2008 is proving to be a complicated year indeed. The first has yet to end and I've been getting surprises left and right. I really have no clear idea what I should do. Okay... I actually do know what to do when it comes to work. And of course, that's something that's pretty much routinely unpredictable with the number of brands under the company's umbrella, not to mention all their advertising needs.
What I meant was when it comes to my personal life. It had, in a totally unexpected way, started to turn into a roller coaster ride all of a sudden. And no, I don't believe turning 23 had anything to do with it, since the unexpected things happened a few days before that. Things just gotten a bit more complicated after my birthday.
I'll try as much as possible to share the following events, but I pray, I have to bit more vague than usual.
Two persons from my past surfaced one after another. The first leaving me uncertain, apprehensive, and at the same time very curious. The second offering me an excuse to think about stuffs I kept banishing to the back of my head. He keeps me second-guessing and rethinking over situations I would have answered flat-out if I'm in denial of what I feel.
And then there is one other person who seems to express interest in me, although I can't say if I'm up to thinking about relationships seriously at the moment.
However, there is another person who makes everything simple. With him, I can basically enjoy the friendship without fear that he expects it to evolve into something else.
These events are really unexpected especially when I realized I'm commitment-phobic. I guess discovering that proved to be a catalyst to troublesome events as I seem to be experiencing more boy trouble than ever.
I sort of came to a decision today. I think I should at least try to unravel the situation I find myself in before things get more tangled up than they already are. It's time for some answers and a time for honesty. I just don't know what the outcomes gonna be, but at least its a step forward.
What I meant was when it comes to my personal life. It had, in a totally unexpected way, started to turn into a roller coaster ride all of a sudden. And no, I don't believe turning 23 had anything to do with it, since the unexpected things happened a few days before that. Things just gotten a bit more complicated after my birthday.
I'll try as much as possible to share the following events, but I pray, I have to bit more vague than usual.
Two persons from my past surfaced one after another. The first leaving me uncertain, apprehensive, and at the same time very curious. The second offering me an excuse to think about stuffs I kept banishing to the back of my head. He keeps me second-guessing and rethinking over situations I would have answered flat-out if I'm in denial of what I feel.
And then there is one other person who seems to express interest in me, although I can't say if I'm up to thinking about relationships seriously at the moment.
However, there is another person who makes everything simple. With him, I can basically enjoy the friendship without fear that he expects it to evolve into something else.
These events are really unexpected especially when I realized I'm commitment-phobic. I guess discovering that proved to be a catalyst to troublesome events as I seem to be experiencing more boy trouble than ever.
I sort of came to a decision today. I think I should at least try to unravel the situation I find myself in before things get more tangled up than they already are. It's time for some answers and a time for honesty. I just don't know what the outcomes gonna be, but at least its a step forward.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Hidden Name Meanings... hmmm
| What Jennifer Means |
 You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. |
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Harsh Reality or Rude Awakening
You decide... Cause I just don't want to think too much into it, or maybe I just don't want to accept what it actually felt like to me.
Is being nice worth it at all? Frankly, I'm disheartened at all to believe it at the moment. But I think after this angst-y moment, I'd probably trying my best to stay nice and hope people will see the sincerity in that.
Right now, I just felt used. I don't want to feel like that, nor do I want to believe that, but if I stick to hard cold facts, it will show that I had been cleverly played. I wonder what I had done to deserve this? I don't recall doing anything that would warrant such an action, or maybe I'm just too gullible, wanting to believe in the goodness that everyone possessed. I don't know...
I realized there's a lot of things I don't know, and I don't hide the fact that there's a lot of things I need to know. It just feels really hurtful when they take advantage of your blind spots for their own good. And take advantage of the kindness you had shown them. There are times I felt so old, and times I'm still a child who could just dismiss something like this so easily, that with just a few moments will express displeasure, and then later be playing alongside together like nothing happened. Its easily dismissed if it had only occurred once, but twice? Its time I should realize the friends I think I found are not really friends, just people realizing your potential as a highly profitable person to hook up with and take advantage of. Harsh? Maybe. But the reality it represents... a proliferation of friend-users.
It's funny in a bizarre way when you think about it. I should have been pretty adept at weeding out those people having gone through those people in my life. Makes you wonder how many I'll go through that time in this lifetime...
I never wanted to feel cut-off from the world like I did before, but I felt I don't have much choice when the world shows its ugly side and I'm pretty much left to my own devices.
Is being nice worth it at all? Frankly, I'm disheartened at all to believe it at the moment. But I think after this angst-y moment, I'd probably trying my best to stay nice and hope people will see the sincerity in that.
Right now, I just felt used. I don't want to feel like that, nor do I want to believe that, but if I stick to hard cold facts, it will show that I had been cleverly played. I wonder what I had done to deserve this? I don't recall doing anything that would warrant such an action, or maybe I'm just too gullible, wanting to believe in the goodness that everyone possessed. I don't know...
I realized there's a lot of things I don't know, and I don't hide the fact that there's a lot of things I need to know. It just feels really hurtful when they take advantage of your blind spots for their own good. And take advantage of the kindness you had shown them. There are times I felt so old, and times I'm still a child who could just dismiss something like this so easily, that with just a few moments will express displeasure, and then later be playing alongside together like nothing happened. Its easily dismissed if it had only occurred once, but twice? Its time I should realize the friends I think I found are not really friends, just people realizing your potential as a highly profitable person to hook up with and take advantage of. Harsh? Maybe. But the reality it represents... a proliferation of friend-users.
It's funny in a bizarre way when you think about it. I should have been pretty adept at weeding out those people having gone through those people in my life. Makes you wonder how many I'll go through that time in this lifetime...
I never wanted to feel cut-off from the world like I did before, but I felt I don't have much choice when the world shows its ugly side and I'm pretty much left to my own devices.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
The Story, The Deal, The Pain, and The Pride
As far as I can recall, I've always been an accident-prone person. And because of that fact, I'd been known to humiliate myself, and possess a long list of embarassing moments.
In fact, this is, above all, one of the reasons I never truly had what you would call an ideal childhood. A freak accident in third grade had caused the turning point in my life. It was then that I experienced being constantly bullied. It sounds surprising for those who had recently met me, but to those who had grown up with me all those years ago, its as real as the name of our school.
What can you expect from a girl of nine to do at that time? Most likely, that girl would probably begged her parents to transfer her to a different school, keep to herself, avoid picking fights, find another hobby, and try to figure out who she can rely on as a friend. And you know what, she did all that, and the only thing she was actually successful at, was finding another hobby: immersing herself in books.
It was at this stage of her life she detached herself slowly from the people around her, placing her friends under various tests to feel confident that these people have her back, and cringing inwardly when she realized her trust was misplaced. It were dark times in the life of someone who had been a cheerful person to begin with. The ever-ready smile was replaced with looks of suspicions, recess times were reserved for reading books and doing homeworks, lunch, a welcome reprieve from the otherwise tolerant treatment of her presence. She felt for the first time how lonely it was, and how cruel the world is.
With limited options, she kept to herself, a child of forced seclusion, hardly daring to even speak up or volunteer any information she knew. She was made a fool many times over, even by those she had considered friends. She didn't belong anywhere and it was this feeling that had her hanging out with various groups of people, trying to find a niche where she would fit in.
The case would seem a hopeless one at that and it wasn't until later she realized what made her move on, to keep on looking. It was an idealism that she had found in the comfort of her books that talks about a friendship that goes far deeper than giving out answers in a whisper to a so-called friend sitting next to you during an exam. It was a friendship that accepts and love unconditionally. A bonding that comes along to those who keep as much faith in you as you with them. It was fortunate that she found them at end of her elementary years, but it was still too early to let the real person shine through. She had been scarred too many times over to want to let down her guard to the group that had included her as their own.
She came to them meek, keeping to shallow topics, listening but hardly offering any advice, a wallflower at most. But it was also at this time she started to write. Anything that came to mind, a tribute to a friendship she felt blessed to have stumbled in, a song to put into words a childhood crush, a poem about the various uses of a new set of colored pens... a collection that she would show sparingly, due to fear of expected rejection, and worse, a humiliation she would not be able to lived down. Whatever pride must be placed in a work of art could not be found for there was none to encourage a bolder show of a creativity previously unassociated with her.
As luck would have it, she was praised by someone who didn't expect anything from her. They embraced her gift for words and in turn encourage her to write more, to be open to new people. It took more than a year to share parts of herself, to slowly give her trust to hands waiting to accept it wholeheartedly and kept it sacred for all the years to follow.
With strength brought about by these select few, she had started to spread her wings, exploring more what she can do. For once in her life, she found people who would show and prove to her that ideal friendships do exist in this world riddled with the need to appear more than they are, to step on those who they think were not up to their level.
The years to follow was a revelation of the person she herself had not known exist within her. A person of quiet strenght, capable of withstanding the misgivings and embarassment accompanying an accident-prone person, an optimism she had not known she possessed, contentment and a desire to share the feelings she had been priviledged to feel to others.
And now, she stand before you now, as real as any person who had come to terms with who they are and what they are, accepting and loving the person that some had deemed deserving of it.
I want to thank all of you (Haidee, Jamie, Jamee, Jacky, Iris, Donna, Kristina, Marie, and Louie) for making me the person I am today, for bringing me out to embrace the brightness that can still be found in this world. I also want to extend my thanks to my college friends (Peachy, Eirha, Yola, Kath, Nikko, Nova, and Carlo) for the friendship and being my support system in an entirely new environment. I could list a lot more people to thank, but you guys are the best! Thank you for giving me my confidence back, for showing me that the world isn't a scary place full of friend-users, that I deserve a place in this world, and even if I'm the most unconventional person around, I'm not a senseless nor worthless in your eyes. Thank you for the gift of love, trust, and friendship, it is indeed a treasure I'll cherish till the end of our years, or the end of the world, whichever comes first. ^^
In fact, this is, above all, one of the reasons I never truly had what you would call an ideal childhood. A freak accident in third grade had caused the turning point in my life. It was then that I experienced being constantly bullied. It sounds surprising for those who had recently met me, but to those who had grown up with me all those years ago, its as real as the name of our school.
What can you expect from a girl of nine to do at that time? Most likely, that girl would probably begged her parents to transfer her to a different school, keep to herself, avoid picking fights, find another hobby, and try to figure out who she can rely on as a friend. And you know what, she did all that, and the only thing she was actually successful at, was finding another hobby: immersing herself in books.
It was at this stage of her life she detached herself slowly from the people around her, placing her friends under various tests to feel confident that these people have her back, and cringing inwardly when she realized her trust was misplaced. It were dark times in the life of someone who had been a cheerful person to begin with. The ever-ready smile was replaced with looks of suspicions, recess times were reserved for reading books and doing homeworks, lunch, a welcome reprieve from the otherwise tolerant treatment of her presence. She felt for the first time how lonely it was, and how cruel the world is.
With limited options, she kept to herself, a child of forced seclusion, hardly daring to even speak up or volunteer any information she knew. She was made a fool many times over, even by those she had considered friends. She didn't belong anywhere and it was this feeling that had her hanging out with various groups of people, trying to find a niche where she would fit in.
The case would seem a hopeless one at that and it wasn't until later she realized what made her move on, to keep on looking. It was an idealism that she had found in the comfort of her books that talks about a friendship that goes far deeper than giving out answers in a whisper to a so-called friend sitting next to you during an exam. It was a friendship that accepts and love unconditionally. A bonding that comes along to those who keep as much faith in you as you with them. It was fortunate that she found them at end of her elementary years, but it was still too early to let the real person shine through. She had been scarred too many times over to want to let down her guard to the group that had included her as their own.
She came to them meek, keeping to shallow topics, listening but hardly offering any advice, a wallflower at most. But it was also at this time she started to write. Anything that came to mind, a tribute to a friendship she felt blessed to have stumbled in, a song to put into words a childhood crush, a poem about the various uses of a new set of colored pens... a collection that she would show sparingly, due to fear of expected rejection, and worse, a humiliation she would not be able to lived down. Whatever pride must be placed in a work of art could not be found for there was none to encourage a bolder show of a creativity previously unassociated with her.
As luck would have it, she was praised by someone who didn't expect anything from her. They embraced her gift for words and in turn encourage her to write more, to be open to new people. It took more than a year to share parts of herself, to slowly give her trust to hands waiting to accept it wholeheartedly and kept it sacred for all the years to follow.
With strength brought about by these select few, she had started to spread her wings, exploring more what she can do. For once in her life, she found people who would show and prove to her that ideal friendships do exist in this world riddled with the need to appear more than they are, to step on those who they think were not up to their level.
The years to follow was a revelation of the person she herself had not known exist within her. A person of quiet strenght, capable of withstanding the misgivings and embarassment accompanying an accident-prone person, an optimism she had not known she possessed, contentment and a desire to share the feelings she had been priviledged to feel to others.
And now, she stand before you now, as real as any person who had come to terms with who they are and what they are, accepting and loving the person that some had deemed deserving of it.
I want to thank all of you (Haidee, Jamie, Jamee, Jacky, Iris, Donna, Kristina, Marie, and Louie) for making me the person I am today, for bringing me out to embrace the brightness that can still be found in this world. I also want to extend my thanks to my college friends (Peachy, Eirha, Yola, Kath, Nikko, Nova, and Carlo) for the friendship and being my support system in an entirely new environment. I could list a lot more people to thank, but you guys are the best! Thank you for giving me my confidence back, for showing me that the world isn't a scary place full of friend-users, that I deserve a place in this world, and even if I'm the most unconventional person around, I'm not a senseless nor worthless in your eyes. Thank you for the gift of love, trust, and friendship, it is indeed a treasure I'll cherish till the end of our years, or the end of the world, whichever comes first. ^^
Friday, April 20, 2007
Woeful Days
There are days when I feel perfectly fine, totally in control of my emotions, ready to face the world with the smile they had come to know so well, eyes that radiate nothing more than interest. And there are days when the stony facade crumbles and the anguish shows through. I guess today is one of those days. No matter how strong I try to make myself into, I'm afraid, I'll never be truly strong enough to face the challenges ahead with a smile on my face and no tears evident in my cheeks.
Friday, April 13, 2007
What Makes You Different...
"What makes you different, makes you beautiful. What's there inside you, shines through and through..." Line from the Backstreet Boys' "What Makes You Different", which was also used in the soundtrack for Disney's Princess Diaries.
It is something that had become close to a litany as I embrace my uniqueness. Lines that had kept me from hiding who I really am.
What does it take to be real? To be open to scrutiny and judgment? To be regarded as 'different'? A whole lot of courage maybe, or just a real desire to show the world the reality of their misconceptions. We all grew up in a society that doesn't take too kindly to those who are unlike them, we see them label a whole number of people solely because they are different from themselves. But what makes being 'different' a bad thing? Something I always end up wondering about.
Look around you, they're all like you in so many ways. They go to school, study, play games, work, think, eat, and a whole lot more. And yet, for a simple action or characteristic that you have no part of, you will consider as someone not fit to be in your social circle. An outcast to a society-driven thought.
What a sad reality it is when we realize that a lot of the people around us wears a mask, to hide who they are as a person, to represent a fabricated persona in order "to belong". A life I also once led.
Based on experience, it is a doomed fate. Tyring to please everyone by being someone lead to nothing more than becoming their lackey, being bullied indirectly, accepting their cruelty, and toyed around emotionally. It leaves more battle-scars than joining a real war since they are invisible scars that left you feeling unworthy, and in worst cases, a person who doesn't deserve to live. Some would probably laugh, thinking this is an extremity, and there are those who will scoff, thinking there are no one like that at all. It is our own inconsiderate attitudes that sometimes lead to a much cruel fate than we ever could imagine. A fate that leads to a loss of self-worth, self-respect, and the loss of one's own identity.
Learning to embrace my own individuality, restoring my sense of self-worth and self-respect was an uphill battle filled with discouragment, and a lot of self-doubt. But what I learned from all these, by slowly being true to who I am, I gained true friends that love the real me, and being different cease to be an ominous concept.
Nowadays, I still hear a lot of comments calling me weird, and for most people, that would be considered such a big insult. For me, it was a term I learned to equate to being unique. Weird doesn't have to be a bad thing at all, because God made us all weird by giving us individuality.
For the friends who stood by me through the ups and downs of my eventful life, a heartfelt thanks!!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The world isn't ready for me and I am not ready to face the world
It's funny when I think about it... it's so funny that I end up crying my eyes dry... My life is one big irony. Trapped in a world where every single action I do elicit a different response from what I hope for. Everyday is a struggle. To be true to oneself and nature isn't an easy task, and yet it is the path I had chosen to take. Unfortunately, as time passes, I am riddled with doubts. Should I even walk further on this path? Should even throw caution to the wind and stand my ground against everyone who feels I am overstepping my boundaries? I am tired. So tired of struggling. So tired of thinking of ways to escape the chains I am bound with. Some of them think it is by choice. But who would chose to be bound to a life where freedom is scarce and your own do not accept you as you are? I am who I am and I want to stay as who I am. Unfortunately, as things stand, I don't quite feel up to it. The mask has been shattered once again. The sadness is out for all the world to see and I found myself once again struggling. The world knew the smile, and only a select few know about the tears.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
So Young, Sounding So Old
I guess it is simply my way
Sounding older than my days
As I grasp for meaning
To figure what I'm missing
There are times when thoughts just passed
And I don't bother since it wouldn't last
But just seconds of time
And it'll rest on the back of my mind
I am merely a girl
With wings not quite unfurled
Barely out of my teens
Knowing helplessness and what it means
Truth is something hidden
It will not show even when bidden
It can be called a thing
That would most times sting
Laughter is not all innocence
It's not something we all can sense
For evil can lurk behind a face
Some not even leaving a trace
Disillussion is our constant companion
It is one of change's many minions
With disappointment in tow
True happiness giving a weak glow
Life is many different things
And different emotions it brings
As hardship pile one over the another
You learn to rely on yourself more and less on others
Sounding older than my days
As I grasp for meaning
To figure what I'm missing
There are times when thoughts just passed
And I don't bother since it wouldn't last
But just seconds of time
And it'll rest on the back of my mind
I am merely a girl
With wings not quite unfurled
Barely out of my teens
Knowing helplessness and what it means
Truth is something hidden
It will not show even when bidden
It can be called a thing
That would most times sting
Laughter is not all innocence
It's not something we all can sense
For evil can lurk behind a face
Some not even leaving a trace
Disillussion is our constant companion
It is one of change's many minions
With disappointment in tow
True happiness giving a weak glow
Life is many different things
And different emotions it brings
As hardship pile one over the another
You learn to rely on yourself more and less on others
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Gratefulness
Don't you just experience days when you look back on your life and find things to be grateful for? To find situations that makes you feel glad you decided to live instead of to die? I guess today is one of those days when I feel the urge to check out my friendster testimonial, albeit they're few compared to other people, for the perfect way to cheer up, and to shed a few heartfelt tears.
At times like this, I am glad I did not give up to the hopelessness I feel inside. It's also finding the reasons again that I had not failed to be the best person I can be, not only through my eyes, but also through the eyes of those I had come to know, love and share precious memories with.
I can't explain this nostalgic mood I found myself in, but somehow, I feel its fitting to remind me what I had gone through to get where I am now. Moreover, it also serves as a reminder that I had people who appreciate my presence the same way I appreciate them as well. Though I don't always get to chat them up, I know that in my heart, they will always remain special, and that they too know it as well.
Thank you everyone for making me feel someone of worth. You have no idea how much that helped me got through life.
At times like this, I am glad I did not give up to the hopelessness I feel inside. It's also finding the reasons again that I had not failed to be the best person I can be, not only through my eyes, but also through the eyes of those I had come to know, love and share precious memories with.
I can't explain this nostalgic mood I found myself in, but somehow, I feel its fitting to remind me what I had gone through to get where I am now. Moreover, it also serves as a reminder that I had people who appreciate my presence the same way I appreciate them as well. Though I don't always get to chat them up, I know that in my heart, they will always remain special, and that they too know it as well.
Thank you everyone for making me feel someone of worth. You have no idea how much that helped me got through life.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Updates ^^
Hehehe... it has been awhile since i last posted, it's obvious how lazy I am...
Let's see, I've just started work, working on my fourth week at Bench, the clothing company/retailer of apparels... etc...
I've updated my new fic, Atashi no Koi, which I believed people who knew could very much guess plenty about it...
I'm working on another song, which I'll post once it's done...
hmm... I guess that's it for now.... hehehe.... ^^
Let's see, I've just started work, working on my fourth week at Bench, the clothing company/retailer of apparels... etc...
I've updated my new fic, Atashi no Koi, which I believed people who knew could very much guess plenty about it...
I'm working on another song, which I'll post once it's done...
hmm... I guess that's it for now.... hehehe.... ^^
Thursday, January 12, 2006
hmm...
somehow, i feel like writing and yet nothing i want to write makes sense... i'm torn with this need to let off some of my thoughts, and yet, i couldn't quite put into words what it is that wants to break free and speak forth...
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
On Things and Stuff that Bothers Me
Well, i have to say a lot of things bother me, but what bothers me the most is the fact that people are afraid to be themselves. i'm not saying that i'm not one of those people because in some way i still am, but at least i'm trying my best to show others who i really am... i think the root of this fear is not being accepted by society. we've seen examples of such happenings, more in the form of men coming out of the closet to announce to the world that their gay. society had put it into our beliefs that there's only black and white and no gray areas in between, that these gray areas are met with such violent reactions that border on hostility to outright denouncement of such individuals. i believe each of us wears a mask concealing our deepest desires, thoughts, and feelings. we show the world something we believe it would find no fault in, a face that shows nothing more than a shadow of what we really are. i remember the days when i used to hide behind the shadows, being compliant, naive, and utterly speechless, a victim of bullies. but if you think about it, bullies themselves have that mask. each of us has something we want to hide to the world, i'm not denying that, but to actually have the courage to let go of that fear is something that we all seem to lack. i'm no inspirational nor motivational speaker, but i do know that despite the fact that no one would seriously take me to be the writer of such words at first glance, there are people out there willing to look beyond what they can see to the woman that i am. for others, being the center of attention is everything, and for some its the bane of their existence. others still crave to be recognize for their own endeavors, while others prefer to let others take the credit. can you look inside your soul and honestly say that you don't regret not taking credit for what is due to you? i know i did, plenty of times, because these are the opportunities that we miss out the most when we went for the modest approach because society would look upon you as arrogant. is it enough for you to know you played a part on getting someone to the top, when in truth that person doesn't serve it and would have probably missed it if you didn't do exert the needed effort so that he could take credit for your job? it's okay to be modest, but it's not okay to be taken advantage of. you are a nice person, but you're also naive if you think that that's the end of it... people had always wanted to reach the top, and when they do, they want to stay on top, and that means you'll have to continually working your butt off while these person reaps the benefit.
~*~*~*~
arrogance, defined.
arrogance had for most people meant simply of boasting, but i think it's time we put more into this definition. the purpose of boasting is to gain attention, no matter how trivial it is. on the other hand claiming credit for something you did isn't. it's getting credit where credit's due. therefore it shouldn't be consider arrogance when you claim what is rightfully yours.
~*~*~*~
i'll add more when i don't have pressing matters to attend to...
~*~*~*~
arrogance, defined.
arrogance had for most people meant simply of boasting, but i think it's time we put more into this definition. the purpose of boasting is to gain attention, no matter how trivial it is. on the other hand claiming credit for something you did isn't. it's getting credit where credit's due. therefore it shouldn't be consider arrogance when you claim what is rightfully yours.
~*~*~*~
i'll add more when i don't have pressing matters to attend to...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)