Ramblings

Somebody told me today that I have a lot of guilt and anger in me... and I know for a fact he's right... so he suggested I write down everything I feel...

So here goes nothing....

I feel under appreciated... not because I think too highly of myself, but because I am asked to do a lot of things with hardly any compensation... I am tired to say the least, tired of being the bigger person, of continuing to discipline myself, to be the perfect everything... to be the selfless woman of the world, to be the nurturer, the one to wish for a reality that cannot happen... I am tired of being helpless, of feeling guilt and anger of being helpless, of not being given the choice that is my right... of the external factors that are out my control... I am simply one who wants to make a difference in the world for the benefit of humanity... and I am tired of always being responsible...

and yet, despite this tiredness that settled unto me, I am unable to walk away... I am strong believer of order, and I am too much an idealist to let things simply as they are... true, I cannot save a soul... I am not the Lord... but I wish somehow I can save even one... cause I still believe that we are all in this Earth for a reason, and that's to help others...

I am torn with doing my social duty, and being selfish... I am unable to give up the former, in favor of the latter... maybe I am simply scared to know who is the girl inside me when all inhibitions are gone?

Words 2

There are days like these that makes me realize I am doing something good in my life, that in some way, I had managed to share the things I've learned and inspire others to be better individuals. The feeling that having people appreciate you for who you are is far more overwhelming than being honored for an academic achievement, since what you were able to accomplish is not something seen and read, but something that had become the source of change and improvement in the outlook, if not the quality, of someone's life. I guess a part of me always dreamed of being an inspiration to others, a role model if possible, not because I think I'm perfect, or anything close to that, but rather that there's so much I can and willing to share, and its all up to you to figure out if I make sense or not. After all, I do tend to be defiant and definitely a nonconformist, preferring to just do what I feel is right. :P

Words

There are times I wonder how is it that our mind is troubled still when we had already made a choice some time in the past. Are we meant to forever eat our words and grope around for a new way to incorporate the events that plowed right through us? If that is so, then I am at a lost for the moment.

I had tread around and made my choice, and yet, it now feels that I have spoken too soon, made my decision at a time when I am in a state of mind, for now I am face with conflict that I had not foreseen. I do not lead a planned life, however at most circumstances, I am able to be decisive.

But what had changed within me? How come I find myself at a loss to explain this feeling of uncertainty? How is it that I am unable to determine which road to take when it was clear to me awhile back? Was it the situation I find myself in? Was it the war between fear of the unknown and the adventurous desire to seek out new experiences?

I am horribly and dreadfully lost, and I can only hope that I will make the right choice when the time is ripe.

A sweet bday gift

This must be one of the sweetest gifts I received to date.


Ryan gave me this on my bday, well, technically, a few days late, but truly appreciated. ^^

Eventful 2008

2008 is proving to be a complicated year indeed. The first has yet to end and I've been getting surprises left and right. I really have no clear idea what I should do. Okay... I actually do know what to do when it comes to work. And of course, that's something that's pretty much routinely unpredictable with the number of brands under the company's umbrella, not to mention all their advertising needs.

What I meant was when it comes to my personal life. It had, in a totally unexpected way, started to turn into a roller coaster ride all of a sudden. And no, I don't believe turning 23 had anything to do with it, since the unexpected things happened a few days before that. Things just gotten a bit more complicated after my birthday.

I'll try as much as possible to share the following events, but I pray, I have to bit more vague than usual.

Two persons from my past surfaced one after another. The first leaving me uncertain, apprehensive, and at the same time very curious. The second offering me an excuse to think about stuffs I kept banishing to the back of my head. He keeps me second-guessing and rethinking over situations I would have answered flat-out if I'm in denial of what I feel.

And then there is one other person who seems to express interest in me, although I can't say if I'm up to thinking about relationships seriously at the moment.

However, there is another person who makes everything simple. With him, I can basically enjoy the friendship without fear that he expects it to evolve into something else.

These events are really unexpected especially when I realized I'm commitment-phobic. I guess discovering that proved to be a catalyst to troublesome events as I seem to be experiencing more boy trouble than ever.

I sort of came to a decision today. I think I should at least try to unravel the situation I find myself in before things get more tangled up than they already are. It's time for some answers and a time for honesty. I just don't know what the outcomes gonna be, but at least its a step forward.

Hidden Name Meanings... hmmm

What Jennifer Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?